The conspiracy theory flowchart THEY don’t want you to see

You know what it means if you read this, right?

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That’s right: Now you know too much. They’re onto you.

(via Pharyngula, whose host has finally lost his mind)

Another Venn diagram of irrational nonsense

Just two weeks after Crispian Jago gave us the Venn Diagram of Irrational Nonsense (a variant of Jago’s Periodic Table of Irrational Nonsense, which itself recently got upgraded), Imgur user dehydrationstation now presents an even more detailed and comprehensive version with “An Organized Collection of Irrational Nonsense” (previous versions here):

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There’s something reassuring to the fact that no matter how wide the variety of ways these bollocks can be classified, Scientology will always have its spot of (dis)honor right in the middle of it all.

(via Friendly Atheist)

Loony Headline of the Day: Alex Jones edition

From Alex Jones’s den of hilarious crackpottery:

And here’s the opening paragraph:

President Barack Obama is now the global head of Al-Qaeda – bankrolling, arming and equipping terrorists around the world in order to achieve his administration’s geopolitical objectives – while simultaneously invoking the threat of terrorists domestically to destroy the bill of rights.

You’re welcome.

(via Joe. My. God.)

Film expert: Why Moon landing hoax would’ve been impossible

There’s nothing like a good debunking to start off your day (or evening, as it were). Here’s filmmaker S.G. Collins explaining exactly how and why it would’ve been impossible – or just ludicrously implausible, to be precise – for NASA to fake the 1969 Moon landing with the technology of the day:

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

S.G. COLLINS: This is why the moon hoax would’ve been impossible. Take one.

TITLE: MOON HOAX NOT

S.G. COLLINS: Did people go to the Moon in 1969? I’m not totally sure. I wasn’t on the Moon then.

Did they fake going to the Moon? No, I’m pretty sure they didn’t, because they couldn’t.

Some people say that in 1969, people were incapable of sending a man to the Moon, but that they were capable of staging the whole thing in a TV studio. In fact, the opposite is true. By the late 1960s, they did have the technical ability – not to mention the requisite madness – to send three guys to the Moon and back. But they did not have the technology to fake it on video.

Now, please understand: I’m not saying this to defend the honor of the United States. The U.S. Government lies all the time about all kinds of things, and if they haven’t lied to you today, maybe they haven’t had coffee yet.

So, it’s easy to believe the Apollo program was a lie, too, especially if you weren’t alive then and if you don’t know much about the technology profiles of the day. You see, the later you were born, the more “all-powerful” movie magic seems. Nowadays, it would be very easy to fake a Moon landing and we seem to have forgotten how to do it for real. Back then, it was the other way around. Really.

CAPTION: The apparent omnipotence of special visual effects increases linearly with your date of birth.

S.G. COLLINS: Ever since the 1920s, engineers were trying to improve liquid-fueled rockets and their guidance systems. They wanted to go to outer space; the people who were paying for it wanted better bombs. By 1943, Wernher von Braun’s people already had a fully functional rocket called the [?], later known as the V-2. After the war, the German rocket scientists went to work for two rival superpowers, who then went to insane lengths to outdo each other on the world stage. It was a global dick-wagging contest on a scale never before seen in human history. It’s fair to say that technology growth in the Cold War was mostly a competition in aerospace, rocketry and weapons science. That was the kind of engineering that people strove to excel in. And by the mid-’60s, limited space travel was a possibility, I think.

Meanwhile, film technology had gotten wider and television was still busy trying to be in color.

Now, here’s where the stories diverge. In one version, the Americans waste $20 billion to send three guys to the Moon, plant the plaque that says, “WE CAME IN PEACE FOR ALL MANKIND,” and then go home to bomb Cambodia. In the more tantalizing version, NASA at some point realizes they just can’t. So, to avoid humiliation, they hire Stanley Kubrick to produce and direct a Moon landing telecast. You know, he did such a great job with 2001 (A Space Odyssey).

Years later, once the Apollo astronauts are starting to collect Medicare, some people get a lot of attention by pointing out flaws in the photographic evidence for Apollo. When you listen to them, they seem not to know very much about photography, or video, or lighting, or even perspective, and I think they’re hoping you don’t, either.

So, we should’ve seen stars in the sky? No, we shouldn’t. The camera was set to expose for broad daylight. If they were exposing for stars, then this picture would’ve looked more like this: [intensely overexposed Moon landing photo with visible stars in sky]

Hmm. Flag’s waving in the breeze? No, it isn’t. It’s wriggling in the vacuum after they let it go.

The shadows diverge unrealistically across the landscape? No, they don’t. Go outside sometime and see how shadows work.

They obviously used multiple light sources in this picture, right? No, they obviously didn’t. I’ve been shooting in a studio for about 30 years now. I know what to look for. When you shine two lights at something, you get two shadows. So this [photo of astronaut on the Moon with one shadow] would’ve looked more like this: [same photo altered with faint second shadow] But it doesn’t, ’cause this stuff was shot with a single light source. And if that light was anywhere near the action, you would’ve seen a fall-off in brightness across the terrain. You don’t, because the light source was 150 million kilometers away, too far away for the inverse square law to make a difference. Get it?

Etc., etc., blah blah blah.

The thing is, all these discussions are ignoring one simple point: In 1969, it was not yet possible technically to fake what we saw on TV. Why are people missing this? I think maybe they forget how primitive video was in 1969. I mean, it was an amazing achievement in electronics, but there was a lot they couldn’t do. Let me try to explain that.

TITLE CARD: IRRELEVANT HERRING BREAK

S.G. COLLINS: The pivotal claim for the Apollo hoax theory, without which it all falls apart, is that what we saw on TV was slow-motion footage of astronauts running around in a film studio. ’Cause if it wasn’t slow motion, it couldn’t have happened on Earth, right?

Let’s talk about how slow motion works in film and video. There are two ways to make motion slow. One is you shoot it at normal speed and play it back slow, and the other is you shoot it fast and play it back normal. The second way is called overcranking. It looks smoother and more realistic because we’re sampling natural motion at a higher framerate.

But that means we would’ve had to shoot it on film using high-speed film cameras, right? Why? Because in 1969, there were no high-speed video cameras yet. The electronics just weren’t there.

Some people did have magnetic disc recorders that could capture normal-speed video and play it back slow. [Caption: Ampex HS-100 magnetic disc recorder] They used it for sports replays and could record up to 30 seconds. Play back at 10 FPS and you got a whopping 90 seconds of slow-mo.

I’m sticking with 10 frames per second because that was the video framerate for Apollo 11. They had a non-interlaced slow-scan TV camera specially made for them by Westinghouse. All the later missions were using regular NTSC cameras running at 29.97 FPS. That would be three times harder to fake. I’m trying to make this easy.

Keep in mind that when people today watch documentaries about the Apollo missions, they’re looking at the highlights. They’re looking at short clips cut together. And short clips are much easier to fake. But in July 1969, 600 million people, including me, were all staring at a continuous lunar telecast that went on for a long time. It was actually pretty boring sometimes. At 16 minutes into the EVA, they turned on the video camera. Four minutes later, you get your “one small step” frame, then Aldrin climbs out and they move the camera onto a tripod and proceed to do all their Moon-walking, flag-planting, photo-snapping and rock-picking. Then, Armstrong climbs back up into the lander and it’s over, by which time the video camera has been running for 143 minutes.

So, if we’re faking this with electronic slow-mo at 1/3 speed, we only need to record about 47 minutes of continuous live action video. Well, that’s a lot more than that Ampex disc recorder could hold. But NASA is special. Maybe they have a big disc recorder, right, in 1969. Okay, how much bigger? 95 times bigger? I don’t know, man. I mean, government agencies are powerful, but they’re not God.

Then again, they are NASA. Maybe they did have some special way to overcrank video in 1969 for an hour and a half. Maybe they had some top-secret high-speed electronics that the rest of the world never knew about. [Caption: Are they omnipotent or aren't they?]

Oh, wait a minute. No, you guys said that the navigation computers were too slow. I guess we can’t have it both ways. I mean, you can’t be fast and slow at the same time, right?

Wouldn’t it be easier to shoot this on film? I mean, in 1969, we already knew how to overcrank film. For Apollo 11, we only need to shoot 30 FPS and play it back at 10. Okay, let’s try that. I’d recommend you shoot on 35 mm to minimize the film grain. That’s what Kubrick would’ve done. Now, let’s see. Normal 35 mm runs at 90 feet per minute, but since we’re shooting at 30 FPS, it’ll be 112,5 feet per minute. We need 47 minutes of original film, so that’s about 5,300 feet. And of course, there’s no such thing as a film magazine that big. (Volkswagen?) But, if you shoot thousand-foot loads (it’s about that big), then you can do it in five mags.

Um … oh, wait, I can do this. You don’t want to see the splice marks where you put the reels together, ’cause then everybody would know it was a fake. And remember, we’re shooting for TV, so it’s 1:33 aspect ratio and not 1:85. So, that means you have to do A & B rolls. You have to cut the negative into A & B rolls and print them onto a 5,300-foot fine-grained interpositive, then cut an “answer print” in the film lab. And when you’re done, make sure everybody that works in the film lab dies mysteriously in a car crash.

Now, you just need to find a custom-designed telecine that can transfer your 5,300-foot “answer print” to video at 10 frames per second, pin-registered, of course. How hard can that be?

Of course, you need to be absolutely certain that in all that splicing and printing and transferring, none of the most common film artifacts have gotten onto your giant print: No base scratches, no emulsion flakes, no gate weave, no grain, and not one single fleck of dust, ’cause any one of those things will instantly betray that this is a hoax.

Okay, so you do that, and then you do it again for five more lunar missions. Only, those later missions, you have to play back at 30 FPS, meaning you have to shoot at, like, 60 FPS. Twice the torque, twice as many splices to keep clean, twice as much of a chance that the film’s gonna break in the camera.

You think maybe it would be easier to just go to the Moon?

Hmm. I don’t really know if that’s possible. Like I said, I wasn’t on the Moon in 1969 and neither were you. I can tell you that in 1969, it was not possible technically to fake what we saw on TV. Sorry. Kubrick or no Kubrick.

Why does any of this matter? Well, my concern is with the fate of knowing. Seeing the difference between what we can know and what you wish for. Because that’s what puts the sapiens in Homo sapiens. Without that, you’re just another Homo. [Note: Collins meant this strictly in the “non-sapient hominid” sense, and later apologized for any unintended offense caused in “some parts of the world” where people still think being gay is a bad thing. — JM]

The urge to believe drives people to trade in part of their soul in exchange for the comfort of being a rebel. Okay … but that step from knowing that you’ve been lied to to believing that everything else is a lie is a big step. Once you’re forced to hypothesize whole new technologies to keep your conspiracy possible, then you’ve stepped over into the realm of magic. It demands a deep and abiding faith in things you can never know. It’s like you need to cling to your belief system with all your might against the overwhelming evidence of your own rational mind, and some people do.

What’s dangerous about that is that it blinds you to the real conspiracies that authorities are perpetuating on you right now. As we speak. Things that are a lot more important than whether some guys went to the Moon. I’m not America, but if I were, I would much rather have you be questioning Apollo 11 and not questioning the PATRIOT Act, the Iraq War, the financial industry bailouts, and the right to indefinite military detention without charge. Those things are real.

Thank you for watching. Excellent, my cheque came from NASA …

I would also refer viewers to the excellent MythBusters Moon landing special, which further confirms Collins’ arguments and also addresses claims about supposedly impossible luminosity and the shape of the astronauts’ footprints in lunar soil.

And for those who question why it was possible to land on the Moon but not fake the video in 1969, consider that today, film technology has advanced to the point where we can present entire photo-realistic virtual worlds on the silver screen, yet our best answer to the common cold is to lay in bed and wait it out. Different scientific arenas simply don’t progress at the same rate, and it’s foolish to argue that our ability to accomplish one supposedly simple task but not another implies some hidden skullduggery. Then again, people who buy into such silly conspiracy theories generally aren’t the most rational sort to begin with.

(via The Daily Grail)

Maddow takes on “Obama is secretly gay” wingnut claims

You know your latest conspiracy theory is particularly crazy when even most of the conservative loonisphere prefers to stay mum on the issue. But of course, that’s not stopping that all-star repository of wingnut fervor, the WorldNetDaily, from advancing the newest anti-Obama fad: that he’s secretly gay! Rachel Maddow takes a particularly amused look at their claims:

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

RACHAEL MADDOW: This is one of my favorite places on the Internet: the WorldNetDaily, sometimes referred to as “WorldNutDaily”. It’s the ultra-conservative, super-Right-wing conspiracy theory website that has made a cottage industry out of investigating whether President Obama is maybe secretly foreign!

WorldNetDaily is Birther Central. The website store has made seemingly considerable money pushing at deep discounts the book Where’s the Birth Certificate?. The author of Where’s the Birth Certificate? is named Jerome Corsi, and he’s essentially the in-house Birther on the WorldNetDaily’s writing staff.

Last spring, when President Obama released a copy of his long-form birth certificate, it essentially gutted the thin credibility of WorldNetDaily’s central mission. And that meant that Jerome Corsi needed a new reason to get out of bed every morning. And Jerome Corsi has now found one. Oh, yes. Of course he did. Did you think they would give up on this?

In recent weeks, Jerome Corsi has written a handful of articles alleging that Barack Obama, the secretly Kenyan, secretly Muslim, only-maybe-the-President guy, is also secretly gay! Yes, of course.

Look at this; this is amazing:

A prominent member of Chicago’s homosexual community claims Barack Obama’s participation in the “gay” bar and bathhouse scene was so well known that many who were aware of his lifestyle were shocked when he ran for president and finally won the White House.

And of course, he won the White House only because he had one of fis former gay lovers killed and another one paid off to buy his silence!

Birtherism: It’s not just for geography anymore.

Here's what Jerome Corsi and WorldNetDaily now say is their evidence that President Obama secretly has the gay. They say long before he married Michelle Obama, he used to wear a ring on the fourth finger of his left hand. Since that finger can only wear a wedding ring, that means he was secretly married! And that means he was secretly married, then, well, if he was secretly married, it must mean he was secretly gay married? Yeah, okay.

One source telling the WorldNetDaily that when he met Barack Obama at Occidental College in 1980, his “gaydar” went off. He believed Mr. Obama and his college roommate were lovers. Gay!

PHOTO: College-age Barack Obama and Pakistani roommate sitting casually, cross-legged, on a sofa.

MADDOW: Just look at this photo of Obama and his roommate that’s been posted on the website of another one of WorldNetDaily’s main sources. Straight males don't sit on sofas together like this! Gay!

PHOTO: Florida pizzeria owner bear-hugging President Obama.

MADDOW: Straight men also don't let Florida pizza shop owners pick them up like this! Gay!

Straight men do play golf – in foursomes – but when Barack Obama does it with young male staffers? Gay!

Every President of the United States in the modern era has mad a male personal assistant, a so-called “body man”, but when President Obama has a “body man”, that’s code for “boyfriend”. Gay!

Kal Penn, the actor who used to work at the White House? They say he was another one of President Obama’s secret gay boyfriends. Why else would anybody leave Hollywood, particularly West Hollywood, to go work at the White House? Gay! Gay, gay, gay, gay! WorldNetDaily says so.

Now, the President’s gonna have to unveil his straight certificate. The long-form one. (Love these people.)

The President is a living, walking Rorschach test for the far-Right’s delusions.

(via Joe. My. God.)

Tags: Rachel Maddow • WorldNetDaily • Jerome Corsi • Barack Obama • homosexuality • Birthers

Fail Quote: Limbaugh thinks ‘Batman’ villain’s name is liberal attack on Romney

Rush Limbaugh

I’m again breaking my sorta-rule of not reporting on Rush Limbaugh’s ceaseless bilious flow out of amusement at his latest overly moronic conspiracy theory:

Have you heard, this new movie, the Batman movie -- what is it, the Dark Knight Lights Up or something? Whatever the name of it is. That's right, Dark Knight Rises, Lights Up, same thing. Do you know the name of the villain in this movie? Bane. The villain in the Dark Knight Rises is named Bane. B-A-N-E. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran, and around which there's now this make-believe controversy? Bain. The movie has been in the works for a long time, the release date's been known, summer 2012 for a long time. Do you think that it is accidental, that the name of the really vicious, fire-breathing, four-eyed, whatever-it-is villain in this movie is named Bane?

… “Lights Up”? Really?

Of course, I’m sure Limbaugh also has a perfectly reasonable explanation for how Bane could be an attack directed at Romney’s vulturistic firm despite the fact that the character first appeared in the Batman universe in 1993, almost two decades before anyone even heard the name Bain Capital. Then again, maybe Limbaugh realized how stretched his line of unreasoning was, given that he then frantically tried to backpedal the very next day.

You know, that may well be the very first time El Rushbo’s ever let those “facts” things decide what he should or shouldn’t say on the air. And even then, his only attempt at righting his remarkable wrong is to try and deny that it ever happened in the first place. Don’t ever change, Rush. (You might just eventually lose your job that way.)

[source]

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

PANEL 1: (Batman) “Not only does ”Bane” represent “Bain”, but the hero is the “Dark Knight.” Dark. Like President Obama?”

PANEL 2: (Superman) “America’s greatest superhero is an illegal alien? Good luck convincing me that’s not a liberal plot!”

PANEL 3: (The Hulk) “So he gets angry, dumb and destructive. It’s an obvious Hollywood liberal diss of the Tea Party.”

PANEL 4: (Spiderman) “Mary Jane loves Peter Parker, but is engaged to John Jameson and kisses Harry Osborn? What a slut!”

Edit (07/18/12 5:26 PM ET) – Fixed “a decade” to “two decades”.

Tags: Rush Limbaugh • The Dark Knight Rises • Batman • Bane • Bain Capital • Mitt Romney

Maher hits on Birthers with Romney “wiferism” parody

Well howdy-ho, it’s yet another awesome Bill Maher segment, this time wherein he uses Mitt Romney’s Mormonism to crack on the far-Right crazies who still refuse to believe that the President wasn’t born on Neptune:

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

Original transcript via Crooks and Liars [slightly edited]:

BILL MAHER: Birtherism has […] we mentioned it last week and I thought maybe it would go away – it didn’t; it came back even worse. Donald Trump, having a fundraiser for Mitt Romney, came out yesterday, full-bore, said, “No, look in Kenya, that’s where you’ll find him.” There was a congressman named Mike Coffman, Republic[an] of Colorado, Republican from Douchebagville. […] This is what he [said], he said, “I don’t know whether Barack Obama was born in the U.S. of A., but I do know this: that in his heart, he’s not an American.” And who would know that better than Mike Coffman?

So, you know what? The media can keep giving this story oxygen, but I think they're neglecting a much bigger scandal, which is wiferism. Mitt Romney comes from a Mormon background. I don't know how many wives he has. I'm not saying I believe in that. I just say he was born in a Mormon compound, I'm not a wifer, but for some reason he has never shown his original marriage certificate and we'd like to show it to you now.

Now I'm getting a lot of my information, I must say from a book called Me So Romney, the Secret Love Life of the World's Horniest Mormon. Again, I'm not a wifer, I'm just saying that he has the blood of a nomadic polygamist tribesman, and I think that has shaped his world view.

Now this is a copy of Mitt Romney's marriage license. I specifically asked for the original. I even offered to go to the Romney house and take it out of Ann Romney's wedding scrap book, but for some reason they frowned upon that idea and instead sent me this obvious photocopy, and isn't it a little weird that they chose to only send the short form license?

And why next to Ann Romney does it say spouse and not only spouse? I'm just asking the hard questions that the lame stream media won't ask about Mitt's unholy harem of obedient sister-wives, which I really hope I'm wrong about.

But, now look at this. This I'm told is the Romney tooth brush holder. And think about that strained look on Mitt's face. That's the look of a man who has not been able to get into the bathroom since 1988.

Plus, how is it that Ann and Mitt Romney have five kids and they're all thirty years old? And here, what is Mitt pointing to in this picture? The Olympic symbol. What is it? Five rings and what else has five rings? Five wives.

And why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it have been because the station wagon was full of wives? I'm not saying I believe this wifer stuff. I take Mitt Romney at his word. But how do you explain this video?

MITT ROMNEY: I have the same view on marriage that I had when I was Governor and that I’ve expressed many times; I believe marriage is the relationship between a man and a woman […] and a woman […] and a woman […] and a woman […] and a woman.

MAHER: All right – we did a little doctoring, there.

(via @todayspolitics)

Tags: Bill Maher • Birtherism • Birthers • Barack Obama • Mitt Romney • Mormonism • polygamy • wiferism

Daily Blend: Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Pitbull

Ohio does the right thing, declassifies pitbulls ^[pictured] as inherently “vicious”. More of this elsewhere, please.
(via @michaelbd)

A record low of 41% of Americans call themselves “pro-choice”. I wonder if that number would change minus the mistaken “pro-abortion” connotation given by lying anti-choice assholes.
(via ThinkProgress)

On the other hand, a record high of 56% of Americans support legalizing and regulating marijuana.
(via ThinkProgress)

Researchers update last year’s study showing how Fox News viewers are the least informed (even compared to people who don’t watch any news at all), increase the sample pool from New Jersey to nationwide. Same results.
(via @todayspolitics)

This “article” (read: collection of bratty tweets) from Michelle Malkin’s Twitchy only shows why you should, in fact, avoid anything related to Michelle Malkin.
(via @radleybalko)

Today’s winner for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Being So Ridiculous to the Point of Possible Satire.

What is it with Vox Day’s obsession with President Obama’s IQ?

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Tags: Ohio • pitbulls • dogs • pro-choice • pro-choicers • anti-choice • anti-choicers • anti-abortion • anti-abortionists • pro-abortion • pro-abortionists • marijuana • pot • Fox News • news channels • misinformation • Fairleigh Dickinson University • Twitchy • Michelle Malkin • Twitter • Charles Blow • Adam Serwer • American Thinker • Robert Gates • Mara Zebest • Poe's Law • Vox Day • Theodore Beale • Barack Obama • IQ • intelligence quotient • intelligence

Daily Blend: Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Pictured: Danger incarnate

Radley Balko has more on the dangerous consequences of the government’s war on prescription painkillers.

Maryland appeals court ignorantly and dangerously declares that all pitbulls ^[pictured] are “inherently dangerous”.
(via @radleybalko)

AlterNet’s list of the 20 biggest Right-wing sex hypocrites.
(via Dispatches from the Culture Wars)

The new funny: Breitbart death conspiracists.

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Tags: painkillers • prescription painkillers • Drug Enforcement Administration • DEA • pharmacies • CVS • Gil Kerlikowske • Anne Lenhart • dogs • pitbulls • Maryland Court of Appeals • conservatives • Right-wingers • wingnuts • prudes • hypocrites • moralists • WorldNetDaily • WND • Andrew Breitbart • Andrew Lasseter

Donohue alleges media cover-up of harmless Jon Stewart joke

Jon Stewart

Watch out, Jon Stewart and The Daily Show: Bill Donohue is vewy angwy at you and wants you to know he’ll be whining petulantly mounting a full-scale counterattack if you don’t immediately prostrate yourself before him in apology. Because he’s the self-styled representative for all Catholics, don’t you know, and if he’s got his knickers in a twist, then Churchians everywhere are offended … I guess. (Which is weird, as the only other people making any noise about this are the dolts over at NewsBusters and similar Right-wing “watchdog” sites. Not a peep from any non-pearl-clutching Catholics anywhere.)

For those of you not in the know, here’s the segment that Donohue is so verklempt over, from Monday’s broadcast:

Non-US readers: Click here to learn how to enable Comedy Central videos

Transcript (via NewsBusters – yes, I’m lazy): (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

JON STEWART: Welcome back. Now, Hilary Rosen's comments on working mothers wasn't the only news last week regarding women in the workplace. Let's go to Wisconsin.

(CLIP)

ED SCHULTZ: Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker quietly signed a bill last night repealing the state equal pay law. Glenn Grothman who pushed for equal pay repeal explained, “You can argue that money is more important for men. I think a guy in uh, their first job maybe because they expect to be a bread winner some day.”

STEWART: Wow. Even for a bill meant to screw women, that takes balls. But it's just the latest in a series of conservative legislative efforts that seem to amount to a multi-state roll back a number of rights women have come to enjoy. I wish there was a pithier way to say that.

(CLIP)

AL SHARPTON: The GOP war on women has exploded.

STEWART: It’s catchy. War on women? There’s a problem with that one.

(CLIP)

STEVE DOOCY, Fox News: It's not a war on women.

MARK DAVIS, Dallas Morning News: The ridiculous of this war on women.

JANINE TURNER, Washington Examiner: They created this phony war on women.

DAVIS: It is only the bitterest cynicism that portrays that as a war on women.

JUAN WILLIAMS, Fox News: This is a made up phony war on women.

STEWART: Respect! I think what FOX is trying to say is that elevating this political fight to the level of “war” diminishes the seriousness with which real conflicts are engaged. War is real. War is hell. Not some casual metaphor.

(CLIP)

ERIC BOLLING, Fox News: In case you didn’t know, there's a war on Christmas in America.

STEWART: I did not know that. I did not know there was a war on Christmas because from my perspective, Christmas seems to be everywhere. (Laughter) But if Fox believes the attacks on Christmas are so serious as to warrant this label they are otherwise loath to use, I'm happy to hear the reasoning.

(CLIP)

DOOCY: A lot of companies haven't been saying “Merry Christmas.” They've been going “Happy holidays.”

Fox News Reporter: Calling the state house Christmas tree a holiday tree.

Fox News Reporter: A possible tax on your tree?

MEGYN KELLY, Fox News: The Tulsa holiday parade of lights. Formally the Christmas parade of lights.

BILL HEMMER, Fox News: The homeowners association, Doylestown Station, PA, banning colored and blinking Christmas lights.

STEWART: No colored lights? This is war! When it comes to Christmas lights at Doylestown Station, it's whites only. Only this time liberals won't lift a finger. That's a pretty strong case for a war on Christmas. You do have to ask then, so what evidence is there for some kind of war on women?

(CLIP)

ANDREA MITCHELL, MSNBC: Arizona's legislature would force women to prove to employers they are using birth control for medical reasons.

THOMAS ROBERTS, MSNBC: In Mississippi today, criminalize abortion at murder.

REPORTER: Arizona, now doctors will not face a lawsuit if they fail to tell parents about any risks the unborn child could face.

MITCHELL: Pennsylvania would require sonograms before abortions.

CHRIS HAYES, MSNBC: The transvaginal ultrasound–when seeking an abortion in Virginia.

CHRIS JANSING, MSNBC: The Violence Against Women Act. Now for the first time there's opposition to this.

LAWRENCE O’DONNELL, MSNBC: In Texas a bill that would block Planned Parenthood from receiving state planning money.

REPORTER: A bill making single parenting child abuse.

SHEPARD SMITH, Fox News: So if your one who likes to beat your wife, you should probably move to Topeka, Kansas because it's legal there.

STEWART: Of course if you want the best barbecue, Kansas City is where it's at. Eh, but for wife beating you’re gonna head to Topeka. Wow! So with all those attempts to curtail women's rights in area after area, are you telling me that, that doesn't raise the level of war? That doesn't bother anyone at Fox?

(CLIP)

GRETCHEN CARLSON: Uh. You know what? This gets me so upset. I have a feeling I might have to leave for these future discussions.

STEWART: You know what, I apologize Gretchen Carlson, exhibiting actual empathy for women–Oh, I’m sorry, she wasn't talking about women's issues. What was she talking about?

(CLIP)

DOOCY: There apparently is an elementary school in Stockton, California. They can't have things that remind people of the Christmas season like poinsettias or Santa in their classes because it might offend people who are not Christian.

STEWART: Well, that is upsetting! (Laughter) What can women do to generate the same sense of outrage from Fox as the removal of decorative slightly poisonous holiday plants? Perhaps they could play into the theme? Maybe women could protect their reproductive organs from unwanted medical intrusions with vagina mangers. (Laughter) I–I had not seen that picture. That really could be anything. That almost looks like the crown from those imperial margarine commercials. Or perhaps instead of asking for birth control, women could get an advent calendar with pills instead of chocolate. (Laughter) Oh! The 20th, placebo day! All right. Christmas is a special case. That is an incredibly important holiday. And again, I'm sure that nothing else rises to that level of outrage.

(CLIP)

Fox News Reporter: War on Hanukkah now too.

Fox News Reporter: This is the war on Easter.

ERIC BOLLING, Fox News: War on, wait for it. Fall holidays.

BRIAN KILMEADE: Let's talk war on Halloween.

DENEEN BORELLI: War on fossil fuels.

Fox News Reporter: The war on the constitution.

SHANNON BREAM, Fox News: The war on ladies' night.

Fox Business Reporter: The War on Fisherman!

BRIAN KILMEADE: Can you accept the war on salt?

SHEPHARD SMITH: It's the war on chocolate milk.

MEGYN KELLY: War on sugary drinks.

DOOCY: War on food.

Fox News: Is this a nanny state war on spuds?

STEWART: Oh, my God! No wonder we're having trouble in Afghanistan and Iraq. We're in like 18 wars. Oh, my God. We're Sparta. (Laughter) Seems like women are the only thing there's not currently a war on. Gotta be some way to earn America's women the coveted war label.

(CLIP)

SEAN HANNITY: The liberal media wages a war on conservative women.

Fox News: The media is waging against conservative women.

STEWART: Oh, so for Fox if–if women upset with recent Republican legislative restrictions want to be considered victims of war, the solution is easy. Uh, vote for them. We’ll be right back.

Can you tell which part in particular got Donohue & co.’s attention? Ready to feel the outrage? Here you go:

Daily Blend: September 20, 2011

Sheriff Joe Arpaio

DADT officially and finally dies three months before it turns 18. Now, where are those sweaty gay barrack orgies the Right’s been promising us?

• Maricopa, AZ sheriff Joe Arpaio ^[pictured] hires five-man “Cold Case Posse” to investigate President Obama’s birth certificate. Guess he wasn’t laughable enough yet.

• Atlanta, GA cop manhandles and arrests disabled woman for sitting in vacant lot in wait of ice cream.
  (via The Agitator)

• “The grave site of David Arthur Hickman is one among dozens of children buried at the Followers of Christ cemetery outside Oregon City.”

• Ex-fan exposes “Britain’s best-loved psychic” Sally Morgan for hearing voices from the other side … via a hidden earpiece.
  (via @BadAstronomer)

• Bill O’Reilly’s ego now has its own moon.
  (via Right Wing Watch)

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Tags: DADT • Don't Ask, Don't Tell • US Military • Joe Arpaio • Barack Obama • Birtherism • Birthers • Cold Case Posse • Shequita Walker • Kenneth Thomas • disorderly conduct • Dale Hickman • Shannon Hickman • David Hickman • faith healing • Followers of Christ • Sally Morgan • psychics • frauds • con artists • Bill O'Reilly • Barack Obama

Daily Blend: Saturday, June 11, 2011

Alayna May Wyland (8 months old) with untreated hemangioma

• Faith-healing parents who let their baby girl become deformed by illness [pictured] convicted of criminal mistreatment, “likely to receive probation or possibly some jail time”.

• Malaysian group “Obedient Wives Club” wants to help women “serve their husbands better than a first-class prostitute”. Uh … huh.

• Orlando, FL arrests 5 more activists for feeding homeless people in a park, bringing total number to 12.
  (via @todayspolitics)

• Shocking: Nonsense about “space station on Mars” is, well, nonsense. A graphical artifact, specifically.
  (via @BadAstronomer)

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Tags: Alayna May Wyland • Timothy Wyland • Rebecca Wyland • Obedient Wives Club • Malaysia • Orlando, FL • Bio Station Alpha • Mars

Iran claims bin Laden died of illness years ago [restored]

Iranian Intelligence Minister Heidar Moslehi

[NOTE: Reposted from RSS feed. May contain differences from original post.]

Interesting:

In a unique twist on the Osama bin Laden saga, Iran's intelligence minister says Tehran has "genuine intelligence showing that the terrorist leader died of disease long before the alleged raid" by the United States, the Iranian semiofficial FARS news agency reports.

"We have accurate information that bin Laden died of illness some time ago," Heidar Moslehi said on the sidelines of a Cabinet meeting Sunday, FARS reports.

"If the U.S. military and intelligence apparatus have really arrested or killed bin Laden, why don't they show him (his dead body)? Why have they thrown his corpse into the sea?" Moslehi asked, according to a TV report, FARS says.

By releasing such "false news," he says, the White House is trying to overshadow "regional awakening."

Moslehi is quoted as saying U.S. officials resort to such PR campaigns to divert attention from domestic problems as well as their "fragile" economic situation, FARS reports.

Of course, it’s safe to bet that Intelligence Minister Moslehi is full of crap, or is at the very least being misled. Even al-Qaeda itself reportedly confirmed bin Laden’s death in jihadist forums. Still, though, it’ll be fun to watch what the Deathers and assorted Obama-haters make of it.

(via Joe. My. God.)

Daily Blend: Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Rachel Maddow

• Kudos to Jen at Blag Hag for honoring the spirit of National Coming Out Day with her courageous, magnificent post. Reminds me how I wish I were bi, too. Bigger market, best of both worlds. *sighs*

• For all you hapless non-rich people and non-Americans who can’t make it to Washington, DC on October 30, join the Virtual Rally to Restore Sanity!

• PolitiFact examines some Republican claims about cutting Medicare, shockingly finds they’re pretty much all bullshit.

• The Rachel Maddow Show [Maddow pictured] slowly but surely eclipsing Keith Olbermann’s Countdown as MSNBC’s #1 show.

• Is the answer for reducing drunk driving to abolish drunk driving laws altogether? Radley Balko argues. I’m rather reticent. There’s no doubt that the only thing keeping a scary number of drunk drivers off the roads is the fear of being caught and punished. I think this warrants more research into the matter.

• Radio Creationists parading as science broadcasters attack Phil Plait (Bad Astronomy) for debunking another Creationist’s claim that astronomers use the word “evolution” just as biologists do, make royal idiots of themselves with usual dishonesty. Don’t ever wonder why they’re called creotards.

• I used to joke about Birthers demanding President Obama’s DNA as proof. Then I read this report and left a new crater in my desk.

• God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder. I would’ve gone with psychopathic schizophrenia, myself, but I’ll take it.

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Tags: Jennifer McCreight • bisexuality • National Coming Out Day • Rally to Restore Sanity • PolitiFact • Republicans • Medicare • The Rachel Maddow Show • Countdown • MSNBC • drunk driving laws • Radley Balko • Creationists • Bob Enyart • Fred Williams • Phil Plait • evolution • astronomy • Birthers • Barack Obama • Birtherism • DNAers • DNAism • God • The Onion

Daily Blend: Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Pictured: Douchebag

• 33 Conspiracy Theories That Turned Out To Be True.
  (via The Daily Grail)

• “Weird”? Airbus’s vision of the future of air travel is awesome.
  (via The Daily Grail)

• Christine O’Donnell’s mice-with-human-brains trumped by fish with human teeth.
  (via The Daily Grail)

• This is a casual (or perhaps restrainedly excited) link to a science article that confirms my bias(es) or some generally accepted notion, or that attempts to blow a moderately intriguing discovery to astronomical levels of relevance, especially for fringe groups.
  (via The Agitator)

• So you wanna go bankrupt? Here’re the five quickest ways to end up on the streets.
  (via Gene Burmington)

• Manassas, Virginia’s anti-sex prudishness will cost them $70,000. Sweet benign schadenfreude.
  (via Fark)

• I really don’t know what to make of these. Parody? Poe? Please?
  (via Fark)

• How to run a sex toy ad on primetime TV: Call it a “personal massager”.
  (via Fark)

• You think your engagement photo shoot was fun? These folks had Bruce Springsteen pop in for a surprise play on the husband-to-be’s guitar.
  (via Fark)

• Marty McFly can now browse for his self-tying shoes (well, someday soon).
  (via Gene Burmington)

Orly Taitz finally pays up

I guess Birther Queen Orly Taitz finally had enough of her futile efforts to try and evade Judge Clay Land’s $20,000 fine for continually pestering the courts with her innumerable frivolous lawsuits attacking President Obama’s eligibility. Here’s something we’ve all been waiting to see for a long time, now:

Orly Taitz $20,000 cheque [source: Obama Conspiracy Theories]

Just in case you thought it was all over, though, here’s a little note she scribbled on the back of the cheque:

paid under protest as illegal extortion to cover obama’s fraud

To say that some people like Taitz just never learn would be an insult to folks with learning difficulties.

(via @todayspolitics)

Tags: Orly Taitz • court sanctions • Birtherism • Clay Land

Fox News: Scaring White people since 1996

Seems accurate to me:

‘Fox News’ | Cartoon Saturday (Mike Stanfill) | Salon.com

They left out ACORN, though.

(via @todayspolitics)

Tags: cartoons • Mike Stanfill • Fox News

Daily Blend: Friday, August 27, 2010

Ken Mehlman [source: Anti-Fascist Encyclopedia]

Pfft. Uzza’s finally back to commenting and she hasn’t even taken the time to remind me how much IntenseDebate sucked bawls and how much of a cretin I was for installing it to begin with. She must be she must be losing her touch, man. losing her touch.

• The Top 5 Ways the Universe Could Wipe Out Humankind, courtesy of Phil Plait at Popular Mechanics.
  (via Bad Astronomy)

• Win for free speech: President Obama signs into law a bill ensuring that US libel laws can’t be enforced in the horrible, free-speech-restricting manner of the UK and puts the burden on the accuser, not the accused.

• The Top Ten right-wing conspiracy theories. Seems a little outdated; none of the modern ones (circa 2008) made it on the list.
  (via Dispatches from the Culture Wars)

• Revenge of the Cat. I tink I saw a really big puddy-cat.

• A graceful reveal (for once): Former RNC chairman and former 2004 Bush campaign manager Ken Mehlman finally comes out of the closet, asserts he’ll push for same-sex marriage rights.

• The Exorcist, featuring … Ray Comfort?

• Family Research Council releases ad proclaiming that “our military is for protection, not politics” … in order to oppose Harry Reid’s re-election. They don’t even know the definition of “hypocrisy”, do they?

• Glenn Beck’s egomania continues to skyrocket.

• How to react to a controversial judicial ruling (if you’re in the religious-Right).
  (via @hemantmehta)

• Okay, the fire, itself, wasn’t a funny thing (and thankfully, nobody was hurt) … but what mischievously cackling editor titled that article “Burning bush ignites Woodburn church”?
  (via Friendly Atheist)

• “Tick-Tock Muhammad”, “Brainwashin’ Brian”, “Pedo Pope” and “Hole E Christ”: New Zealand’s new flamboyantly anti-religious ad campaign certainly won’t win anyone over, but then again, I suspect that wasn’t their goal.
  (via Pharyngula)

• Typically thoughtful meandering by Roger Ebert on the subject of same-sex marriage.

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Tags: Universe • Phil Plait • Barack Obama • libel laws • USA • America • Rightists • conservatives • cats • Ken Mehlman • exorcism • Comfort • Family Research Council • US Military • Harry Reid • hypocrisy • Glenn Beck • judicial activism • religious-Right • churches • irony • atheist ads • blasphemy • Roger Ebert • same-sex marriage • gay marriage

Orly Taitz loses another appeal on court sanctions

Orly Taitz The face of credibility

And the Orly Taitz saga of amusing patheticness drags on. She’s been dismissed as a whackjob by the courts, had an official bar complaint lodged against her for going on an insane screed against Judge Clay Land, who threatened to fine her for her misbehavior, and even had one of her own clients turn against her for “reprehensible and unprofessional actions”. Which Taitz then claimed was a hoax.

Thankfully, Judge Land finally had enough of all these shenanigans and slapped Taitz with a hefty $20,000 fine. (To which she responded by claiming she was the only one standing between Judge Land’s sanction and a despotic takeover of America … or something. It’s hard to parse that amount of crazy.)

But, wait, you’re not thinking that’s the end of our little saga, are you? Of course not, for Taitz is now doing what she does best – making a complete fool of herself in filing yet more frivolous motions to appeal the sanction, only to have them swiftly struck down by the courts.

The high court on Monday refused to block a federal judge’s October 2009 ruling that required California lawyer and dentist Orly Taitz to pay the $20,000 fine for filing a “frivolous” litigation. The judge said Taitz attempted to misuse the federal courts to push a political agenda.

Really, if anyone asks why I follow and chronicle this stuff despite it being so trivial and petty, the grin I wear as I write about it should be a sufficient answer. It’s just too hilariously pathetic to resist.

(via @todayspolitics)

Tags: Orly Taitz • Birtherism • Supreme Court

Glenn Beck: Desperate circus clown or just plain crazy?

Sorry for the next-to-nil amount of blogging these past few days. I’ve been dragged down by a mixture of … well, just apathy, really. But here to reassure you that I still care that there’s plenty of crazy in the world to go around, I give you: This “what the hell is he even talking about?” moment, featuring everyone’s favorite top-grade loony, Glenn Beck, as he tries to advance his latest conspiracy theory involving Vietnam War-era radical underground organisation, the “Weather Underground”:

Somewhere, there must be a number of psychiatrists who study Beck’s case with a mixture of interest and confusion as they try to figure out, perhaps forever unsuccessfully, whether he’s just doing his best to pander to his audience of delusional wingnuts or whether he truly is that completely insane.

Tags: Glenn Beck • Weather Underground • crazy • The Simpsons