Americans: Picking themselves off by passing repressive laws

How long before this passes from cynical prediction to reality?

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

PATRIOTIC MAN: (reacting to Boston bombing) We must not succumb to tragedy.

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PATRIOTIC MAN: We’re Americans.

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PATRIOTIC MAN: (comforting weeping bald eagle and Lady Liberty) Let’s pick ourselves up. Dust ourselves off.

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PATRIOTIC MAN: (as SWAT trooper brandishing shock baton; drone flies in BG) And pass some repressive laws.

Considering how the surviving suspect, a Chechen-born naturalized US citizen, has already had his Miranda rights suspended (raising the question of why they’re even called “rights” if they’re ignored so easily and routinely), probably not very long at all. If there’s one thing the US has a proven knack for, it’s ignoring the cautionary words of its own beloved Founding Fathers.

Matt Bors adds a little commentary (it’s a few days old, before the alleged terrorists were identified):

As news of the Boston bombing was coming in I was this rush to assign blame to either right-wing patriot types or Muslim terrorists depending on if you were a liberal or conservative. I guess the idea was to score some political points off the dead blown apart bodies by demonizing an entire group. I won’t be surprised if it’s either group, but maybe we should wait until there’s a shred of evidence pointing to a culprit before we make ourselves look like a horse’s ass. There will be plenty of time in the coming weeks for demonizing, overreaction, and further militarizing our local police forces.

(via @ggreenwald)

From reasonable regulation of dangerous instruments to tyranny

Yet again, nothing tears through wingnuts’ delusions like a little bit of satire. Here’s Tom the Dancing Bug’s take on all the raging and whining from gun nuts who can’t possibly see reasonable gun control as anything else than an insidious government plot to ban all guns (presumably to leave the sheeple defenseless against a UN invasion to bring about a New World Order, or something):

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

BLOND-HAIRED MAN: I’ve heard tell that private citizens were once allowed to own them.

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BLOND-HAIRED MAN: How did we Americans lose that precious right of ownership?

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BLACK-HAIRED MAN: I know not. Let us ask the very old one. Perhaps he remembers.

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BLACK-HAIRED MAN: Very old one, how did it happen? How did the government…

VERY OLD MAN: Shhh! There are government ears everywhere!

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VERY OLD MAN: Long ago, we were happy and free. Responsible owners made sure they were stored and used properly.

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VERY OLD MAN: Then the government said we’d have to register each and every one of them.

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VERY OLD MAN: It seemed reasonable. They are dangerous things. But I know what the government really wanted.

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I and others fought it with all our strength. But the feds needed this foothold and would not be denied.

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VERY OLD MAN: We lost. And the government had taken the first step on its inexorable path.

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VERY OLD MAN: Soon after the registration requirement, sure enough, suddenly you needed a license to use one.

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VERY OLD MAN: Next you were prohibited from owning one without holding insurance! Then came the final step that brought us to today…

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VERY OLD MAN: The illegalization of car ownership!

BLOND-HAIRED MAN: The fools! Reasonable regulation of dangerous instruments always leads to tyranny!

(via Political Irony)

Alternately: “Obama almost accidentally cleans up news media”

Now this would’ve made for one awesome April Fools: “White House Accidentally Orders Drone Strike on Fox News Headquarters”:

On Thursday, at approximately 2:37 AM, members of the Joint Chiefs alerted President Obama that the Drone Strike System or DSS had activated and that several fully armed drones had been sent to deal with an “immediate threat to national security”. The President, realizing the system’s mistake was able to abort the attack just seconds before missiles would have destroyed the headquarters for the conservative media outlet.

Surprisingly, the strike was not the fault of a programming error. The DSS monitors more than 10,000 specific threat characteristics to determine if an immediate response is necessary. If the system deems that the threat is imminent and that immediate action is vital to protect the nation, it will preemptively launch a strike. “DSS worked the way it was supposed to”, states Chief Engineer Chip Boolean. “Fox hit over 90% of the key threat characteristics created by the Department of Defense.” Some of the threat characteristics picked up by the system included direct threats to the President of the United States, supporting hate groups, perpetuating racism and spreading untruthful propaganda to facilitate public disharmony. Concluded Boolean, “Once Fox hit 9,000 of the 10,000 threat characteristics, the system engaged. Fox News runs 24-hours a day so, DSS saw the threat as imminent and acted accordingly. I would like to clarify that contrary to speculation, one of the threat characteristics was not the canceling of Joss Whedon’s brilliant TV show Firefly in 2002.”

It’s only too bad the original at Free Wood Press has apparently been taken down as of this writing.

The Onion on the Supreme Court on gay marriage

It seems someone at The Onion has discovered the ability to peer into an alternate reality where today’s Supreme Court hearings on California’s Proposition 8 and the federal Defense of Marriage Act took a more straightforward and commonsensical turn:

Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was “perfectly fine” and that the court could “care less who marries whom.”

“Yeah, of course gay men and women can get married. Who gives a shit?” said Chief Justice John Roberts, who interrupted attorney Charles Cooper’s opening statement defending Proposition 8, which rescinded same-sex couples’ right to marry in California. “Why are we even seriously discussing this?”

“Does anyone else up here care about this?” Roberts added as his eight colleagues began shaking their heads and saying, “No,” “Nah,” and “I also don’t care about this.” “Great. Same-sex marriage is legal in the United States of America. Do we have anything of actual import on the docket, or are we done for the day?”

Seriously, why is this still an issue? The same once went for interracial marriage, and will one day go for polygamy and any other form of interpersonal relationship based on consent. It simply isn’t the government’s business who loves or shacks up with who else, end of story.

I can only hope to see the day where articles like this are no longer considered satire, but fundamentally and obviously true.

(via Political Irony)

Top 10 reasons to make gay marriage illegal [updated]

This has been floating around the Web for years (here’s the earliest version I could find), but I thought it was funny and worth sharing here (slightly retouched by yours truly):

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people encourages you to be tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets, because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all, just like many of the principles on which this great country was founded: Women are still property, Blacks still can’t marry Whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed; the sanctity of marriages like Britney Spears’s 55-hour, just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents from raising children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms, just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

A potent blend of irony and common sense is always so refreshing, is it not?

(via A Femboy Called Jeremie ^[NSFW])

---

UPDATE: 03/19/13 1:17 PM ET —

Rob F points to this being the original, dating back to 2004. Practically Precambrian, wot.

Daily Blend: Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Stephen Colbert

I think we’ve officially reached the point where the NRA is doing to gun rights what PETA does to animal rights.

New York police get even creepier, now fighting war on prescription painkillers by hiding GPS trackers in fake pill bottles for unsuspecting pain patients druggies.
(via Joe. My. God.)

California judge blocks overbroad law that would destroy sex offenders’ free speech rights to anonymity online.

Good gawd are MRAs/PUAs pathetic. How grimly amusing that these silly little boys presume to call themselves “men”.
(via @jennifurret)

Oh, and Wonkette also has some fun with the sex-obsessed little toad.

And finally, following Jon Stewart’s lead, it’s Stephen Colbert’s ^[pictured] turn to shine on gun control [no time for a transcript, sorry]:

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If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Regulated rights are not violated rights

Why is it that so many who likely agree that prohibiting people from making death threats or yelling “fire” in a crowded theater are reasonable limits to the First Amendment also believe that any restrictions on what firearms the masses should be allowed to tote are a violation of the Second Amendment? Ruben Bolling explores:

by Ruben Bolling

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

‘The NRA of counter-earth's extremist view of the first amendment’ | Tom the Dancing Bug (by Ruben Bolling)

There circles the sun another Earth, a Counter-Earth, whose diametrically opposed orbit keeps it forever beyond our detection.

Let us explore this strange world that is not quite the opposite of our own… but somewhat dissimilar in certain ways!

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CAPTION: On Counter-Earth, the National Rhetoric Association (NRA) pushes an extreme interpretation of the First Amendment.

NRA SPOKESMAN VERNES PETERS: Our Founding Fathers gave us "freedom of speech," and any limitation is an affront to America's values. And by the way… FIRE!

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CAPTION: Yet the pro-gun lobby is utterly powerless.

PRO-GUN SPOKESMAN: But we have the "Right to Bear Arms"!

JUDGE: What part of "well regulated militia" don't you understand, you bed-wetter?

PRO-GUN SPOX: Hey, that's slanderous!

JUSTICE: Ha!!

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PETERS: Free speech means free, no matter what harm could result. You can't stop me from saying that the launch codes for a U.S. nuclear attack are B39TJD882X…

AUDIENCE: Gasp! Stop!!

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AUDIENCE: If there are no limits on speech, people will be killed!

PETERS: Words don't kill people! Various traumas to the body kill people!

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PETERS: The solution to someone yelling "fire" in a crowded theater is not prohibiting that speech. It's hiring fact-checkers in every theater. FIRE!

FACT-CHECKER: Hmm… I'm giving that outburst three and a half "Pinocchios"!

Legal rights and protections are not universal guarantees, and nor should they be. There are reasonable exceptions to any rule, and anyone who opposes that is, by definition, unreasonable (and most likely some sort of fundamentalist zealot).

(via Political Irony)

2012 in Crazy: A reality-biased recapitulation

It’s the most wonderful time of the year … when This Modern World’s Tom Tomorrow releases his annual recap of all things stupid, ignorant and downright crazy:

Daily Blend: Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Busy reading, so have an early Daily Blend for today.

I am shocked – shocked! – to learn that the anti-feminist/Atheism Plus/Freethought Blogs camp doesn’t actually have any good arguments.

Study: West Antarctica is warming up twice as fast as predicted and at thrice the planetary average rate.
(via ThinkProgess)

White House website petition to label Westboro Baptist Church a “hate group” is the most popular ever. Only problem: No such designation exists under any U.S. law.
(via @BuzzFeedAndrew)

And finally, here’s one particularly creepy ritual put into perspective:

Don’t forget the hover text! [‘Communion’ | xkcd (by Randall Munroe)]

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Daily Blend: Friday, December 14, 2012

Laurie Penny

My sincerest wishes for any Connecticut readers and their families’ safety.

The Onion voices my thoughts on today’s horrors. (But remember, folks: NOW IS TOTALLY NOT THE TIME TO TALK ABOUT GUNS NO NEVER.)

Meanwhile, noted policy expert Vox Day proposes the “meaningful action” of banning public schools. And movie theaters, shopping centers and public rallies, of course.

I’m sure Laurie Penny ^[pictured] is just making it all up, too, ’cause we all know misogyny isn’t a real problem on the Internets. (Oldie but goodie.)
(via @BadAstronomer)

And finally, here’s a much-needed chaser for the day:

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Colbert tackles the “war on men”

I couldn’t possibly avoid posting Stephen Colbert’s take on that stupid Fox News column about a supposed “war on men” by Suzanne Venker (niece to anti-feminist nut Phyllis Schlafly), now could I? From last night’s Colbert Report:

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Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

STEPHEN COLBERT: Nation, there is a war on traditional marriage in this country. Did you know that many of those brides and grooms on the top of wedding cakes aren’t legally married? [to picture of wedding cake toppers] You’re frosting in sin!

Now the threat to traditional marriage is coming from inside the couple.

FOX NEWS HOST: The importance of marriage among women rose nine percentage points from 1997 from 28% to 37%. But those women aren’t finding men to marry, apparently because men are less interested, dropping from 35% to 29%.

COLBERT: Shocking! Women wanna get married more than men do! That’s from the same researchers who found that women tend to scratch their balls less than men. It’s true. Shocking.

These chilling marriage statistics mean there are millions of women who may never walk down the aisle, and that brings us to tonight’s Word: Sisters Are Doing It To Themselves.

Folks, when it comes to matters of the woman, I always turn to one source.

[“• Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.”]

COLBERT: To Fox News. Their website recently addressed why so many women can’t get married. According to Fox contributor Suzanne Venker, it’s all part of the “war on men”. She writes:

I’ve accidentally stumbled upon a subculture of men who’ve told me […] that they’re never getting married. When I ask them why, the answer is always the same. Women aren’t women anymore. [— Suzanne Venker, November 26, 2012]

COLBERT: Right, women aren’t women anymore. That right, fellas: Always look for the Adam’s apple. Okay? That’s a pro tip. Then, look for the Adam’s penis. ’Cause you know what they say: Fool me once.

[“• Twice, Actually”]

COLBERT: Now, folks, this hard truth has been attacked in the mainstream media. It evidently ruffled a lot of lady-feathers. At least, I think they have feathers. I’m not sure. A lot of them pluck these days.

[“• No Down Downtown”]

Of course, this thin-skin reaction won’t surprise Venker. In the article, she wrote that:

[…] what if the dearth of good men […] is […] women’s fault? […] since the sexual revolution […] Men haven’t changed much […] but women have changed dramatically. In a nutshell, women are angry. They’re also defensive […] [— Suzanne Venker, November 26, 2012]

COLBERT: Women are angry and defensive. You need proof? Go up to any single woman and say, “The reason you’re not married is because you’re angry and defensive.”

[“• Wear A Cup”]

COLBERT: And not only are today’s shrill harpies scaring good-quality men away from marriage, but also making these men deadbeats. Venker says that the rise of women has:

[…] pissed [men] off [and] undermined their ability to become self-sufficient in the hopes of someday supporting a family. Men want to love women not compete with them. [— Suzanne Venker, November 26, 2012]

COLBERT: Yeah! Men hate women who compete with them. That’s why it’s so rare for men to be attracted to women in the workplace.

[“• Except On Casual Sex Fridays”]

COLBERT: I mean, what man wants a woman providing the money while he stays home to do, what, witness his child taking its first steps? I’ve seen people walk before, and frankly, babies aren’t that good at it. Men want paperwork! We want a grinding commute, to sit in a cubicle all day long, taking crap from that jerkoff, Rick!

[“• Plus Cake If It’s Someone’s Birthday!”]

COLBERT: Luckily, Venker sees a way to liberate women and men from these liberated women. All the ladies have to do is:

[…] surrender to their nature – their femininity – and let men surrender to theirs. If they do, marriageable men will come out of the woodwork. [— Suzanne Venker, November 26, 2012]

COLBERT: Yes! Just surrender, and those men will come out of the woodwork like cockroaches in a darkened crab shack.

[“• Is The Cockroach Single?”]

COLBERT: Ladies, you can do more – by doing less. Maybe, stop voting, or stop talking. That’s mysterious. I mean, what’re you girls thinking?

[“• ‘Am I In Saudi Arabia?’”]

COLBERT: Follow Ms. Venker’s advice, and you single gals will finally be able to live out every woman’s wildest dream:

[“• Equal Pay?”]

COLBERT: Marrying a man who doesn’t want you to achieve anything. And as a man on behalf of women everywhere, thank you, Suzanne Venker. I trust you will lead the charge by getting out of the writing business. Clearly, it’s not in your nature.

And that’s the Word. We’ll be right back.

It’s almost curious how telling women that they’re angry and defensive seems to make them all, well, you know. It’s also amusing how these “traditional marriage” advocates are going all verklempt over a mere 6% drop in the number of men who want to get married, considering how their own numbers showed that only a third of men were supposedly interested in wedlock in the first place. I’m not seeing much of a difference, here.

(Personally, I have no desire to get married, largely to avoid the bureaucratic mess, and out of the belief that one doesn’t need a paper from the government to confirm my love for my hypothetical partner. Family history also tells me it makes the quasi-inevitable break-up far easier for all involved. But that’s just me.)

How to use the gays’ disastrous powers for good

Zach Weiner has figured it out:

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

PANEL 1 —

MAN: Mr. President, it’s clear to me – the reason we have natural disasters is that we let the homos practice their UNnatural lifestyle.

PRESIDENT: My God … How come no one told me?

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PANEL 2 —

PRESIDENT: Why … if that’s true …

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PANEL 3 —

(SOON …)

The President addresses silhouettes that wear rainbow flag patches.

PRESIDENT: Welcome to the C.I.Gay. You are an elite force of the gayest individuals in America. You are a lightning rod for God’s wrath, and it’s up to you to use that power for good.

What devious ways shall be devised? Find out when SMBC returns! … Or just go see the full comic right here.

(via Pharyngula)

Daily Blend: Monday, October 29, 2012 – Frankenstorm edition

Rev. John McTernan

Looks like we have a new Storm of the Century on our hands, though my area will escape the brunt of it. Be smart and stay safe, everyone.

I wonder if there’ll ever be a day when we look back and wonder why the hell we thought sponsoring educational institutions to encourage teenagers to destroy themselves for the public’s entertainment was okay.
(via Pharyngula)

Alternate headline: Religious fruitcake John McTernan ^[pictured] still thinks blaming gays for bad weather is à la mode.

And finally, here’s a dog with spaghetti (because why not):
(via @radleybalko)

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Vox Day & co. don’t get satire or basic decency [updated]

Vox Day

Geek overlord John Scalzi recently published a gut-punching piece of satire in the form of a “fan letter” to rape-excusing Republican politicians from the viewpoint of an admitted rapist. I won’t reprint it here, partially to avoid disfiguring my blog with the 72-point trigger warning disclaimer it would require, and also to avoid digressing from the subject of this post, which is that Theodore “Vox Day” Beale seems to have a thing for giving me fisking fodder.

You see, it would be rather difficult for any intelligent and rational person to miss the glaring contrast between Scalzi’s pro-rape post and the decidedly anti-rape tone that pervades the rest of his blog. It would also be difficult for anyone aware of the scroll feature to miss Scalzi’s prominent first comment wherein he explicitly identifies his post as satire. (And never mind the delicate detail that rapists don’t announce their rapey ways on their public blogs.)

Which brings us to noted Scalzi-basher Vox Day, whose response was originally limited to the following:

I wonder if the SFWA will be concerned that their current president is an admitted rapist or if they'll take the approach towards him that NOW and the other feminist groups did towards Bill Clinton. Of course, unlike Scalzi, Clinton never admitted to being a rapist.

Yes, it appears that ol’ Vox found it perfectly unexceptional that a minor celebrity and a prominent icon in the sci-fi realm would out and announce his love of sexual assault on his well-trafficked website. Methinks Mensa needs to reconsider its membership criteria.

But after having the eye-searingly obvious pointed out to him by some commenters, Vox rushed to revamp his post about half-a-dozen times (according to the number of times I refreshed my browser to see it had again changed) so that it now reads thus:

Wait, he claims his confession is satire? Well, that might fool anyone unfamiliar with the concept of blown cover as cover. But even if we were to take him at his word to not take him at his word, where is the satire? Satire is supposed to be ironic, but where is the irony? What is being exaggerated? Given that a) one-third of all forcible rapists are black, and, b) blacks heavily support the Democratic party while whites are fairly evenly split, the statistics indicate that it is very nearly twice as likely a rapist would be inclined to write a fan letter to a Democratic politician rather than to a conservative Republican politician.

‘The Daily Show’ dismantles the Right’s anti-Obama “bombshell”

If there’s anything that’s more predictable and satisfying than seeing the far-Right flame out over yet another failed attempt at discrediting President Obama or other prominent Leftists with “explosive” videos that invariably turn out to be complete duds, I’ve yet to experience it. Here’s Jon Stewart & co. of The Daily Show taking a rather amused look at the recently (re-)revealed video that purports to show a 2007-era then-Senator Obama (D-IL) at his class-warfare-est – when all he does is reiterate what everyone else was already saying at the time (including one then-President Bush).

Part 1:

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Part 2:

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Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

[VIDEO 1: “Oh the Spew-Hannity”]

JON STEWART: Just a short time ago, Barack Obama and Gov. Romney wrapped up their first debate – if they had their first debate. I don’t know. It was scheduled. The show was obviously taped before that debate, and who knows if they even had the debate after what happened with yesterday’s bombshell: Full-day, Drudge-con-1, blue-siren-alert, Obama race video. Hannity had the exclusive:

SEAN HANNITY (10/02/12): Tonight, you will hear from Barack Obama like you have never heard from him before. […] A video has been uncovered from a campaign event in 2007 of then-Candidate Obama. […] It contains some of the most divisive class warfare and racially charged rhetoric ever used by Barack Obama.

STEWART: “Casually tossing out words like ‘cracker’, ‘honky’, “White trash”, ‘[?]’. SPF-45-wearing-mother—!”

And even though, as it turned out, the video-in-question had been widely covered when the event occurred back in 2007, that doesn’t matter! ’Cause – I’ll let Hannity’s guest, Tucker Carlson, explain:

TUCKER CARLSON (03/02/12): People say, “This has already been reported.” Well, actually, it hasn’t been reported, and I know, because I reported on it the first time.

Beat.

STEWART: So, let’s see some of the highlights of this explosive video.

CHRIS ROCK (during comedy routine): Cracker ass cracker! I’ll put my foot in the crack of your ass, cracker-ass cracker! I wish that cracker would’ve said some [shit] to me, saltine-ased, mother[fucking] cracker!

STEWART: Obviously, that’s just Chris Rock, one of his fine comedy skits on racial relations in America. I showed that in lieu of the Obama tape, because the Obama tape is far more explosive. In it, Barack Obama discusses how the events of Hurricane Katrina and that regions entrenched poverty has a racial component and advocates for concerted effort to rebuild the area, including these grenades:

SEN. BARACK OBAMA (D-IL) (06/05/07): We don’t need to build more highways out in the suburbs if we have people in the cities right now who wanna work, but have no way to get into those jobs. […] We should be investing in minority-owned businesses in our neighborhoods so people don’t have to travel from miles away.

JON STEWART: It is a volatile point-of-view, first expressed by this notorious Black liberation theologist speaking from New Orleans in 2005:

FMR. PRES. GEORGE BUSH (09/16/05): There’s also some deep, persistent poverty in this region as well. That poverty has history in roots of racial discrimination. […] When the streets are rebuilt, there should be many new businesses, including minority-owned businesses along those streets.

STEWART: “You see, what I’m trying to say is this: We didn’t land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock, you see, won’t get landed on again. Hehehehehe.”

So, despite the fact that what Barack Obama was was saying in that speech kind of echoed the sentiments of other, more acceptable mainstream politicians of that era, and despite the fact that what Barack Obama was saying in that speech was echoed in his own speech that he gave in 2007 that actually aired live on CNN, Obama’s real crime here was not the content and the message, but the rhythm. Ooh, the rhythm. The rhythm is gonna get you.

HANNITY: You notice a change in the way he delivers this speech before a predominately African-American audience? […]

CARLSON: They speak a different language. Different cadences, different accents, different gestures. I mean, the falseness here is overwhelming. […]

HANNITY: We’ve got the accent, we’ve got anger, we’ve got ra— “They-don’t-care-as-much-about-you”.

STEWART: “We’ve got jive talk! We’ve got ‘No Justice, No Peace’! We’ve got ‘by any means necessary’! We’ve got ‘Say it out loud, I’m Black and I’m proud’! All this and more on K-Tel’s Now That’s What I Call Race-Baiting.”

By the way, if you actually do believe that a candidate speaking “Black” before Black voters disqualifies them from being president, I have unearthed a video that just might turn this entire presidential race upside-down.

MITT ROMNEY (01/21/08): What's happenin’, got some bling-bling here too, look at that. […] Who let the dogs out, who, who?

STEWART: “Who let the dogs out?” Did you know Mitt Romney was one of the original Baha Men? Not the band, he just keeps his money in Baja.

All right, here’s what’s crazy about this. If I’m not mistaken, Sean Hannity, you believe this president to be what?:

HANNITY (01/13/12): He’s the worst President we’ve had in my lifetime.

HANNITY (07/18/11): He is the worst President on record.

HANNITY (04/06/10): […] a worse President than Jimmy Carter.

HANNITY (04/06/12): This is the worst President America has ever had.

STEWART: The worst! Ever! In your lifetime! On record! Ever, ever, ever, ever! And on the eve of the first presidential debate, the best, most explosive critique that you could deliver of the worst president we have ever had in this country, is treating us to some reanimated bull[shit] video already been seen, as though it were the Rodney King tape in reverse.

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[VIDEO 2: “The Great Black American Panel”]

STEWART: For more, we’re joined by our Great Black American Panel: Senior Black Commentator Larry Wilmore, Senior Black Correspondent Wyatt Cenac, Junior Black Correspondent Jessica Williams. Watching that Hannity piece, it’s almost unbelievable to see such naked race-baiting on television. Black people talk weird? What is that?

WYATT CENAC: It’s some bull[shit]!

JESSICA WILLIAMS: Yeah! [Fuck] Hannity! Your October Surprise is that the President is Black?

LARRY WILMORE: They are some desperate mother[fuck]ers.

STEWART: Um … What about this attempt to portray a relatively middle of the road left-of-center technocrat as some kind of angry Black radical?

CENAC: It’s some bull[shit]!

WILLIAMS: Yeah! [Fuck] Hannity!

WILMORE: They are some desperate mother[fuckers].

STEWART: Ah, that’s the same thing you said. Do you not want to talk about this?

CENAC: No, Jon, we love being part of your Great Black American Black Panel of Blacks. Black.

STEWART: Would it be better to have this discussion without the White guy moderating?

WILMORE: [all three nod their heads] No, Jon, this is your show. [points for Jon to leave] You should stay here and moderate this Black discussion.

STEWART: All right, I’ll be over here, it’s fine, I’ll read. [puts on headphones] You guys can just talk amongst yourselves. It’s fine. [starts reading Philip Roth’s ‘Portnoy’s Complaint’]

WILLIAMS: Can he hear us?

CENAC: I don’t know, let’s see. Jon, I’ve been siphoning gas from your car!

STEWART: [removes headphones; tinny music is heard] What? Did you call me?

CENAC: Nope. Not at all.

Jon puts his headphones back on and returns to his book.

WILMORE: He can’t hear.

WILLIAMS: OK. So, how do you feel? Does it make you angry?

CENAC: It’s not really angry as much as it’s depressing. I mean, this is the same dog-whistle stuff they've been pulling all the time, like, it’s, you know, ACORN and Shirley Sherrod and Common at the White House. It’s the same stuff.

WILMORE: Was he listening to ‘Fiddler on the Roof’?

WILLIAMS: You know, seriously, I cannot believe that they say [shit] like that out loud sometimes. I mean, it’s just desperate.

WILMORE: Yeah, I can. Look, when you’ve got no rational argument, okay, you have to bypass that part of the brain that processes rational arguments, right? You just stick the probe straight into the medulla, you know, the reptile brain. And you just jolt it with enough coded language and racial imagery to trigger the fear response.

WILLIAMS: By the way, is there a reason Jon can’t hear this conversation?

WILMORE: Nah … please.

CENAC: We just want more airtime. Speaking of, should we probably …?

WILMORE: Yeah, wake him up.

Wyatt throws ball of paper at Jon and accidentally misses. Jon pretends to jump in surprise and tries to keep a straight face at the mishap.

STEWART: Hey, what’s up? So, uh … [tinny music lasts a couple seconds too long before being silenced] So, thanks. You guys done rappin’ and jammin’?

WILMORE: Yes, Jon, we’re done rapping and jamming.

WILLIAMS: It’s all good.

STEWART: All right! Hey, I think it’s informative when we can discuss these things with a panel of people directly affected by them. Just wondering, how do you think your conversation will be seen by people who read the Drudge Report and watch Hannity?

CENAC: I don’t know, let’s run it through the old Drudgity Cam and see how it plays.

STEWART: Oh, right, the lens they filter all their information through. I forgot we had one of those. Can you cue that up?

Cenac, Williams & Wilmore look through ‘Drudge Report’-style frame.

CENAC: We’re in your front yard and we’re still mad about slavery!

WILMORE: Yeah, bitches! We’re gonna buy crack with the food stamps you’re payin’ fo’!

WILLIAMS: And then, we’re gonna rape your White babies!

CENAC & WILMORE: Hey, whoa!

WILLIAMS: What?

CENAC: Calm down!

WILMORE: It’s too much!

WILLIAMS: I’m sorry, this is my first Black Panel, you guys, I’m really excited.

WILMORE: It’s too much!

JESSICA WILLIAMS: It’s really nice to be here.

A general tip, folks: When the people behind a video they claim will totally shock everyone with hitherto unrevealed information about a given public figure decide the best person to make the revelation is Sean Hannity, you might wanna let up on the hype just a bit lest you end up with yet another batch of singed eyebrows.

(Onion) Headline of the Day: More sad results of Islamist unrest

Oh, noes!

(The Onion)

(via The Agitator)

Tags: The Almighty Muhammad's Porkalicious Toon Jihad • The Onion • Muhammad • Islam • Muslims

Romneybot flip-flops on own skin color

1040 head (prior to bodily attachment and sans organic covering) [source]

The Cyberdyne Systems Model GOP-1040, codenamed “ROMNEY”, currently on loan to the U.S. Republican Party and programmed to try and win the presidency, appears to have a number of A.I. faults that prevent it from becoming accepted as genuine amongst human ranks, thus critically hindering its mission. The most glaring of these is an apparent loose switch in the 1040’s neural decision-making cortex, which has the unseemly effect of making ROMNEY appear to change its mind on any given issue, no matter how fundamental, in order to pander to whatever fickle audience may be present at any given time.

But more worrisome is the latest incident, which occurred during yesterday’s presidential forum hosted by Latino broadcaster Univision, when a particularly severe system glitch appeared to affect ROMNEY’s very self-identity, causing its own flesh pigmentation matrix to cater to his audience’s perceived desires by morphing from “White” to “Hispanic”:

Session note: Model 1040 also needs corrective training regarding awkward, overly “robotic” posture.

The astute observer will note that possible claims of lighting tricks or other optical illusions are belayed by the color composition of ROMNEY’s hands, which somehow retained their original pale pigmentation setting, thus creating a sharp contrast with its facial covering.

The 1040 is expected to be returned to Cyberdyne headquarters ASAP for emergency recalibration.

(via @todayspolitics)

Tags: Mitt Romney • Univision • skin color • brownface • Hispanics • Latinos

Daily Blend: Friday, September 14, 2012

What does the sexist hatred that’s been tearing at the atheist movement look like? Something like this. ^[pictured]
(via @pzmyers)

Minnesota school district needed a crushing courtroom defeat to remind them that students are also U.S. citizens with rights to privacy and free speech.

Kansas Republicans wish to remind you that they’re still a bunch of embarrassing idiots.
(via @BadAstronomer)

And finally, The Onion on religious riots: So true. So sadly true. (And so very, very NSFW.)

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Tags: Rebecca Watson • misogyny • Skepchick • atheists • atheist movement • Minnewaska Area School District • Kansas • Republicans • Barack Obama • Kansas Objections Board • Kris Kobach • Judaism • Christianity • Hinduism • Buddhism • blasphemy • Moses • Jesus Christ • Ganesha • Buddha • The Onion

‘The Daily Show’ presents this true Mitt Romney biography

Apologies for the laziness-and-disinterest-induced lack of blogging. In a totally-not-at-all-half-assed attempt to make up for it, have this awesome, Leonard-Nimoy-narrated Daily Show biography of everyone’s favorite corporate robot who thought it could, Mitt Romney:

Non-U.S. readers: Click here to learn how to enable Comedy Central videos (Firefox only)

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

JON STEWART: Tonight, right before Mitt Romney’s acceptance speech, conventioneers are going to, as always, be exposed – I mean, treated – to a brief biographical film about the nominee. Now, you may not have seen it. Luckily, we have received an advance … copy of said film, and as a public service, we would like to show you Mitt Romney’s biographical film shown at the convention.

NARRATOR (LEONARD NIMOY): This year, the American people face a choice between a self-made businessman …

MITT ROMNEY: I know how extraordinarily difficult it is to build something from nothing.

NARRATOR: … and a radical collectivist who says things like …

PRES. OBAMA: [famously quote-mined] If you got a business – you didn’t build that.

NARRATOR: … and this:

[Montage of rapidly edited Obama quotes]

OBAMA: I – was not – born – in this country – and I am – the leader of al-Qaeda.

NARRATOR: This is the story of Mitt Romney: A Human Being Who Built That.

TITLE: SELF-STARTER

NARRATOR: George W. Romney was a wealthy auto executive and future Michigan governor. But being born his son was anything but luck. Willard Mitt Romney won his position only by out-competing thousands of less motivated sperm.

[Dramatization: Sperm race to the ovule, and sperm “Mitt” wins against sperms “Welfare Cheat”, “Teacher”, “Bureaucrat” and “Polio Kid”.]

NARRATOR: And though, when he was a teenager, the Romney family was, for a time, forced to take shelter in public housing [photo: luxurious Michigan Governor’s Mansion], young Mitt refused on principle to take taxpayer money for his schooling [photo: Cranbrook Kingswood School (private)], instead convincing a local businessman [photo: George Romney (with college-age Mitt)] to invest in his future.

And then, Vietnam. Romney volunteered to serve – in France. [New York Times: “Mr. Romney got a student deferment … a Mormon mission in France.” [11/05/07]] A Mormon missionary bravely fighting the French people’s love of wine. It was a quagmire. Sometimes, at night, he feels he’s still there.

MITT ROMNEY: Bonjour, je m’appelle Mitt Romney. [Hello, my name is Mitt Romney.]

NARRATOR: Back stateside, the handsome, connected young bucked the odds, gaining admission to Harvard, refusing on principle to pay for school with taxpayer money, but instead, with his own hard-earned stock given to him by a local businessman. [photo: George Romney (with college-age Mitt)]

TITLE: THE MATING SEQUENCE

NARRATOR: Her name was Ann Davies, and the moment Mitt saw her, he knew he was totally [?]. She was female, the ideal gender for a wife. They wed according to human custom, and then, merging their private sectors, produced five male offspring: Tagg, Craig, Blig, Marble, and Flapjack.

TITLE: THE BOOTSTRAPPER

NARRATOR: Armed only with Ivy League business and law degrees, and the Rolodex of a local businessman [photo: George Romney (with college-age Mitt)], Mitt Romney trailblazed his way to a pioneering new Boston firm [Sign: Billionaires Against Income-tax Nuisance (BAIN) & Company, Inc.], where he learned how to secrete money. From there, it was a series of personal triumphs, from single-handedly saving the 2001 Winter Salt Lake Olympics [Sports Illustrated: “$1.5 billion in taxpayer dollars that Congress is pouring into Utah” [12/10/01]] to electing himself Governor of Massachusetts.

TITLE: FINAL FRONTIER

NARRATOR: But, there was still one thing left for Mitt Romney to build: a presidency. As the elite, East Coast, Harvard-educated creator of Romneycare started to run in the most conservative Republican field in history, Romney realized the terrible truth:

MITT ROMNEY [2002]: I’m someone who is moderate, and my views are progressive.

MITT ROMNEY [2002]: I will preserve and protect a woman’s right to choose.

MITT ROMNEY [2008]: We also should keep weapons of unusual lethality from being on the street.

NARRATOR: He had billed himself the wrong way. It would take a monumental feat of self-reconstruction [background montage: dramatized robotic reconstruction], seven years …

MITT ROMNEY [2011]: I’m firmly pro-life.

NARRATOR: 122 billion dollars …

MITT ROMNEY [2012]: I don’t happen to believe that America needs new gun laws.

NARRATOR: … round-the-clock operations across 14 timezones, until finally:

MITT ROMNEY [2012]: I was a severely conservative Republican governor.

NARRATOR: Mitt Romney had done it – [to the tune of Celine Dion’s ‘All By Myself’] All by himself / Mitt Romney did it / All by himself …

Mitt Romney: He’s a Human Being and He Built That.

Doesn’t everyone have a generous local businessman they can curry favors from?

Tags: Mitt Romney • George Romney • Leonard Nimoy • The Daily Show • Jon Stewart

Daily Blend: Friday, August 31, 2012

Clint Eastwood

Ten-year-old Maine babysitting girl and her mother charged with manslaughter over baby’s accidental death.
(via @thedailybeast; RT: @radleybalko)

Wonkette presents the best summary of the Clint-Eastwood-berates-an-empty-chair ^[pictured] spectacle. I still love him and his movies, dammit.

And finally, it seems that Ray Comfort is running out of ways to deliver his “Darwinism leads to Hell!” mulch.

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Tags: Brooklyn Foss-Greenaway • Nicole Greenaway • manslaughter • Clint Eastwood • Republican National Convention • Barack Obama • Republicans • Mitt Romney • Ray Comfort • Theory of Evolution • Charles Darwin • Darwinism • Hell • Christianity