Sunday, September 02, 2012

‘The Daily Show’ presents this true Mitt Romney biography

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Apologies for the laziness-and-disinterest-induced lack of blogging. In a totally-not-at-all-half-assed attempt to make up for it, have this awesome, Leonard-Nimoy-narrated Daily Show biography of everyone’s favorite corporate robot who thought it could, Mitt Romney:

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Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →) []

JON STEWART: Tonight, right before Mitt Romney’s acceptance speech, conventioneers are going to, as always, be exposed – I mean, treated – to a brief biographical film about the nominee. Now, you may not have seen it. Luckily, we have received an advance … copy of said film, and as a public service, we would like to show you Mitt Romney’s biographical film shown at the convention.

NARRATOR (LEONARD NIMOY): This year, the American people face a choice between a self-made businessman …

MITT ROMNEY: I know how extraordinarily difficult it is to build something from nothing.

NARRATOR: … and a radical collectivist who says things like …

PRES. OBAMA: [famously quote-mined] If you got a business – you didn’t build that.

NARRATOR: … and this:

[Montage of rapidly edited Obama quotes]

OBAMA: I – was not – born – in this country – and I am – the leader of al-Qaeda.

NARRATOR: This is the story of Mitt Romney: A Human Being Who Built That.


NARRATOR: George W. Romney was a wealthy auto executive and future Michigan governor. But being born his son was anything but luck. Willard Mitt Romney won his position only by out-competing thousands of less motivated sperm.

[Dramatization: Sperm race to the ovule, and sperm “Mitt” wins against sperms “Welfare Cheat”, “Teacher”, “Bureaucrat” and “Polio Kid”.]

NARRATOR: And though, when he was a teenager, the Romney family was, for a time, forced to take shelter in public housing [photo: luxurious Michigan Governor’s Mansion], young Mitt refused on principle to take taxpayer money for his schooling [photo: Cranbrook Kingswood School (private)], instead convincing a local businessman [photo: George Romney (with college-age Mitt)] to invest in his future.

And then, Vietnam. Romney volunteered to serve – in France. [New York Times: “Mr. Romney got a student deferment … a Mormon mission in France.” [11/05/07]] A Mormon missionary bravely fighting the French people’s love of wine. It was a quagmire. Sometimes, at night, he feels he’s still there.

MITT ROMNEY: Bonjour, je m’appelle Mitt Romney. [Hello, my name is Mitt Romney.]

NARRATOR: Back stateside, the handsome, connected young bucked the odds, gaining admission to Harvard, refusing on principle to pay for school with taxpayer money, but instead, with his own hard-earned stock given to him by a local businessman. [photo: George Romney (with college-age Mitt)]


NARRATOR: Her name was Ann Davies, and the moment Mitt saw her, he knew he was totally [?]. She was female, the ideal gender for a wife. They wed according to human custom, and then, merging their private sectors, produced five male offspring: Tagg, Craig, Blig, Marble, and Flapjack.


NARRATOR: Armed only with Ivy League business and law degrees, and the Rolodex of a local businessman [photo: George Romney (with college-age Mitt)], Mitt Romney trailblazed his way to a pioneering new Boston firm [Sign: Billionaires Against Income-tax Nuisance (BAIN) & Company, Inc.], where he learned how to secrete money. From there, it was a series of personal triumphs, from single-handedly saving the 2001 Winter Salt Lake Olympics [Sports Illustrated: “$1.5 billion in taxpayer dollars that Congress is pouring into Utah” [12/10/01]] to electing himself Governor of Massachusetts.


NARRATOR: But, there was still one thing left for Mitt Romney to build: a presidency. As the elite, East Coast, Harvard-educated creator of Romneycare started to run in the most conservative Republican field in history, Romney realized the terrible truth:

MITT ROMNEY [2002]: I’m someone who is moderate, and my views are progressive.

MITT ROMNEY [2002]: I will preserve and protect a woman’s right to choose.

MITT ROMNEY [2008]: We also should keep weapons of unusual lethality from being on the street.

NARRATOR: He had billed himself the wrong way. It would take a monumental feat of self-reconstruction [background montage: dramatized robotic reconstruction], seven years …

MITT ROMNEY [2011]: I’m firmly pro-life.

NARRATOR: 122 billion dollars …

MITT ROMNEY [2012]: I don’t happen to believe that America needs new gun laws.

NARRATOR: … round-the-clock operations across 14 timezones, until finally:

MITT ROMNEY [2012]: I was a severely conservative Republican governor.

NARRATOR: Mitt Romney had done it – [to the tune of Celine Dion’s ‘All By Myself’] All by himself / Mitt Romney did it / All by himself …

Mitt Romney: He’s a Human Being and He Built That.

Doesn’t everyone have a generous local businessman they can curry favors from?