This has been floating around the Web for years (here’s the earliest version I could find), but I thought it was funny and worth sharing here (slightly retouched by yours truly):
01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people encourages you to be tall.
03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets, because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all, just like many of the principles on which this great country was founded: Women are still property, Blacks still can’t marry Whites, and divorce is still illegal.
05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed; the sanctity of marriages like Britney Spears’s 55-hour, just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
07) Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents from raising children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms, just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
A potent blend of irony and common sense is always so refreshing, is it not?
(via A Femboy Called Jeremie [NSFW])
UPDATE: 03/19/13 1:17 PM ET —