Daily Blend: 05/06/13

Lt. Col. Jeff Krusinski

I’m too bored/lazy/busy reading/excited about tomorrow/tired from “work” to blog much, so here’re some links.

US Air Force officer ^[pictured] in charge of responding to sexual assaults arrested for drunken sexual assault, underlines the US Military’s generally appalling handling of sex crimes.

“Good Riddance: Fox Cancels Long-Running, Drug War-Glorifying, Abuse-Excusing Reality Series COPS”
(via @AndrewKirell; RT: @radleybalko)

Those who slime together, stay together: Anti-Freethought Blogs/Atheism Plus hater encourages Westboro Baptist Church to picket upcoming Women in Secularism conference.
(via Pharyngula)

And finally, how much do you know about science and religion? (I scored in the 15^th and 13^th percentiles, respectively. Which is probably more of an implicit condemnation of the US educational system than anything else.)
(via Bad Astronomy)

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Daily Blend: 05/01/13

Kiera Wilmot

How the hell can it be this hot this early in the year? This can’t bode well.

Animal liberation activists in Milan, Italy, heroically sabotage years’ worth of mental health research by releasing scared and helpless lab animals that cannot survive on their own.
(via Pharyngula)

Who made the “bad choices” here: the model high-schooler ^[pictured] who created a tiny pop in a bottle by mixing chemicals in an experiment* (To be fair, not generally a good [or safe] idea unless you know what you’re doing, which it didn’t sound like she did), or the dumbass school and police officials who got her expelled, arrested and are dragging her to court for “possession/discharge of a weapon”?
(via @radleybalko)

• Better yet: The school then respond to criticism by declaring that “there are consequences to actions”. Indeed, and those consequences are that students will refrain from ever exhibiting any curiosity or scientific interest at Florida’s Bartow High School in order to avoid violating their ridiculous zero-tolerance policy.
  (via Pharyngula)

Wait, hydrogen peroxide doesn’t work? Dammit, Cracked, stop exploding my beliefs.

And finally, happy decaversary to MythBusting! Even though I only started watching in 2005 (“Steel Toe-Cap Amputation, Bottle Rocket Blast-Off”)
(via @MythBusters; RT: @JamieNoTweet)

‘The Daily Show’ compares gun control in US and Australia

Nothing brings the US’s struggles with adopting even the most rudimentary gun safety measures into perspective better than taking a gander at other countries that have already enacted sensible gun control. Here’s a very revealing three-part series from The Daily Show where John Oliver heads goes Down Under for one heck of a study in contrasts, both societal and political:

Daily Blend: 04/24/13

Deepak Chopra

I promise I’m not dead! I think. Just reading a lot. And trying to work on my songs.

Also, the searchbar to the right now includes an image search. Just so you know.

A proposal: How about parents put on probation after killing one sick child with prayer lose custody of their remaining kids before they kill another one?

CNN is just actively trying to punish its viewers at this point.

What’s more hilarious than über-crackpot Deepak Chopra ^[pictured] whining about TED “censoring” pseudoscientific talks? (No, really, what?)

And finally, I’ve updated ‘A Morning by the Sea’ over at Creativitas.

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Donald Trump totes burns “overrated” JEW Jon Stewart

Presented for your enjoyment:

I promise you that I'm much smarter than Jonathan Leibowitz - I mean Jon Stewart @thedailyshow. Who, by the way, is totally overrated.

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 24, 2013

I imagine The Donald being a failed high school class president candidate who pompously demands that everyone else respect his Very Smart Opinions^TM while everyone else, teacher included, don’t even bother to hide their laughter.

(via Wonkette)

Maher on media’s dewy-eyed treatment of Pope Francis

For all his faults, no-one’s quite as adept as Bill Maher when it comes to exposing the zaniness of religion and its sycophants. Here he is ripping on the mainstream media’s absurdly lovey-dovey coverage of Pope Francis, treating the 266^th self-declared shepherd of humanity as if he were just the most precious thing evar:

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

(Original via Daily Kos; edited for format/style)

BILL MAHER: And finally, New Rule: The news media has to stop all this ridiculous, over-the-top coverage of the virgin bachelor.

[GRAPHIC: “The Virgin Bachelor” edition of US Weekly”]

MAHER: No, not that one. This one.

[GRAPHIC: TIME Magazine cover with Pope Francis]

MAHER: Now, I gotta tell you, I’ve just about had it with the press squealing in delight at every mundane thing the new Pope does. “Ooh, look, he walked across the street! He picked the name ‘Francis’! He shook hands!” Oh, fuck, he’s a 76-year-old executive who got a promotion; they act like he’s a baby who just made a boom-boom.

In his first tweet, the new Pope asked everybody to pray for him, and the media was blown away. “Wow, prayer. I never saw that coming. So out of the box. He is amazing. And did you hear he used to ride the bus?”

It’s like we’re all suddenly living in a papal tabloid. “Popes, they’re just like us!” “They like riding with the top down.” “They enjoy gossip.” “They put up with Joe Biden.”

Look: There are over a billion Catholics – just on the back of my gardener’s truck. So, I get it, that this is a legitimate news story, but can we at least stop saying that the job of Pope is so hard, such a burden, no-one would even want it?

What?! Okay, first of all, you’re selling an invisible product. It doesn’t get any easier than that. No-one’s ever going to come back from the dead and say, “Ah, it’s bullshit up there. There’s no heaven. It’s just an empty lot.”

Hard job? All the Pope does is talk and everything you say is right by definition. And you’re there for life; talk about tenure! And what other business could you be in where your company gets caught running a child sex ring since forever, and you still keep your customers?

And that is the advantage of being around for two thousand years. You know, people think all the Church’s rules and traditions come right from Jesus. But almost none of them do. The Catholic Church has basically always done what we do here at Real Time: It’s a bunch of guys sitting around making up New Rules.

For example: “New Rule: Confession”. Jesus never said anything about confession. Never even thought of it. They pulled that out of their ass in the 12^th Century. Just like they did with “New Rule: Women can’t be priests”. That’s also not in the Bible. Neither is celibacy for priests. We didn’t have that until the 4^th Century, and even then, priests could still get married. They just couldn’t have sex — like regular marriage.

Jesus also never said anything about a Pope, let alone that he should live in a palace and get carried around in a chair like Liz Taylor in Cleopatra. Or papal infallibility, another rectum-derived edict that came in the year 1870. It’s an eternal truth that’s 11 years younger than the escalator.

I remember the New Rule they made up when I was a little Catholic boy. Okay, first we had, “New Rule: No meat on Fridays.” And then one day — and I do mean one day — the Pope went, “Uh, this just in … Hold on, I’m getting something. New Rule: Meat okay on Fridays!”

I mean, the whole thing is just so shamelessly made up as they go along. Or, how about this whopper? New Rule: Not only does God have a son — who’s really him — but there’s also a “Holy Ghost” in there, and they’re all one person called the Trinity. A Catholic monk named Tertullian made up the Holy Ghost in the 3^rd Century. And after that, “It is true.”

I tell ya: Religion? It’s like Wikipedia. Anyone can write something in.

I must take exception to that closing zinger, though. Wikipedia is much more reliable and safer around children than the Catholic Church.

At any rate, you can tell Maher’s right on by how much froth one can imagine dribbling down Bill Donohue’s jowls in his outraged retort. Funny how he always focuses on how very very offensive the Church’s critics are rather than any of their actual arguments, eh?

(via Friendly Atheist)

Daily Blend: Tuesday, March 05, 2013

Jon Stewart

A sad reminder that liberals/progressives can be racist idiots, too.

Is there any climate-change-denialist argument (read: lie) that doesn’t invariably boil down to blatantly cherry-picking data?
(via @BadAstronomer)

While reading this breathtaking(ly bizarre and repugnant) homage to North Korea, try to keep in mind that it is not from The Onion.
(via @BuzzFeedAndrew)

And finally, Jon Stewart ^[pictured] to take three-month hiatus from The Daily Show (which will be babysat by John Oliver) to direct his first feature film.
(via @ebertchicago)

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Daily Blend: Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Pres. Barack Obama

President Obama ^[pictured] shocks privacy advocates everywhere with an executive order on cybersecurity that isn’t replete with Fourth Amendment violations.

Republicans still think it’s a good idea to put queen crazypants Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) on the House Intelligence Committee.

17 months after DADT, Defense Department finally figures out what limited benefits they can grant same-sex military families under DoMA.

Science-Based Medicine’s David Gorski hammers Penn & Teller for their appearance on the quack-tastic Dr. Oz Show.
(via The Daily Grail)

Sean Curry at BuzzFeed offers some pointed rejoinders to “15 questions atheists are sick of answering”.
(via Friendly Atheist)

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Daily Blend: Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Stephen Colbert

I think we’ve officially reached the point where the NRA is doing to gun rights what PETA does to animal rights.

New York police get even creepier, now fighting war on prescription painkillers by hiding GPS trackers in fake pill bottles for unsuspecting pain patients druggies.
(via Joe. My. God.)

California judge blocks overbroad law that would destroy sex offenders’ free speech rights to anonymity online.

Good gawd are MRAs/PUAs pathetic. How grimly amusing that these silly little boys presume to call themselves “men”.
(via @jennifurret)

Oh, and Wonkette also has some fun with the sex-obsessed little toad.

And finally, following Jon Stewart’s lead, it’s Stephen Colbert’s ^[pictured] turn to shine on gun control [no time for a transcript, sorry]:

Non-U.S. readers: Click here to learn how to enable Comedy Central videos (Firefox only)

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Jon Stewart slams failure to talk about gun control

Just last month, Jon Stewart of The Daily Show tore into the reactionary airheads at Fox News for steadfastly refusing to ever talk about the U.S.’s absurd gun culture and necessary, commonsensical measures for reducing gun violence. Now, he’s back for more and lays down what may be the authoritative hammering of the Right-wing’s continued failure to accept that their blind infatuation with firearms may be stinting their ability to recognize that which is overwhelmingly obvious to everyone else (parts one and two):

Non-U.S. readers: Click here to learn how to enable Comedy Central videos (Firefox only)

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

JON STEWART: In the wake of some events that have happened – Newtown, Aurora, Portland, Tucson – it’s a 22-minute show, so I’m not gonna list everything. But finally, everyone from the NRA to the Marin County Kumbaya Patrol is ready to talk about gun violence. Though, to be fair to Kumbaya Patrol, they’ve been ready for quite some time, now.

So let’s have that conversation, people. Nothing’s off the table, no bad ideas, a safe space. Let’s start the discussion on gun violence. Let’s start with the discussion of gun control.

NRA EXECUTIVE VP WAYNE LAPIERRE [12/23/12]: Gun control […] it’s not gonna make any kids safer. We gotta get to the real problem, the real causes.

STEWART: Oh, I’m sorry. I just assumed that beginning the conversation on gun control meant starting with … guns. But you, uh … you wanna talk about the non-gun causes of … gun violence. Well, you know what? It’s a conversation. No bad ideas. Maybe there are other factors we should look at. Let’s see – what other non-gun causes are we talking about, here?

GRETA VAN SUSTEREN [01/06/13]: With have so much violence surrounding us that we think is okay.

LAPIERRE [12/21/12]: Violent videogames with names like Bulletstorm […] Grand Theft Auto […] Mortal Kombat […] Splatterhouse […] Blood-soaked films out there. […] American Psycho […] Natural Born Killers[.]

STEWART: Natural Born Killers and American Psycho? Holy …! Has it been that long since we’ve had a conversation about gun control? Been that long since we deflected the gun control argument with the “corrupt Hollywood media culture” argument?

But actually, you know what? That French guy has a point. It may be an indirect influence, but there is no question that we glorify violence in our culture and it’s something we have to consider. If a massacre occurs in a schoolhouse and TV network heads have to scramble to see if that storyline’s gonna bump up against the network’s prime-time episodic schedule, that’s a [fucking] problem. “Oh, is this terrible massacre gonna affect our new show, Massacre, Fridays at 8? The hot new lead-in to Corpse Raper Intent: SVU? Starring …” I dunno who that is. Nick Carter and young Gallagher.

Look, man. As for violent videogames, yeah, I guess they’re out there, but then again, the Dutch spend more than twice as much on videogames as we do and have less than a tenth of the gun violence. Although, to be fair, most of their games are of the first-person dike-plugger genre.

So, yeah. Maybe we need to talk about whether our culture is adding to the soup. That’s gotta be on the table. But if we’re gonna talk about that, let’s look at all of our culture. The Right likes to talk about Hollywood’s influence on that, but are there other media influences that must also be examined?

FOX ANCHOR #1 [02/26/03]: Are there terror cells in your neighborhood?

FOX ANCHOR #2 [11/06/12]: The New Black Panther Party’s outside a polling place.

DICK MORRIS [08/18/10]: These Sharia mosques have become the command centers for terrorists.

SEAN HANNITY [04/07/10]: The end of Capitalism in America.

RUSH LIMBAUGH [11/08/12]: We’re four years into tyranny winning!

HANNITY [09/24/12]: This is indoctrination of kids.

GLENN BECK [11/07/12]: If you live in the East, may I recommend: Get the hell out of the East.

BILL O’REILLY [08/04/08]: It’s gonna be Armageddon.

BECK [11/07/12]: Your religion is gonna come under attack.

HANNITY GUEST [10/01/12]: If Obama’s reelected, this country’s over!

Stewart clutches toy AR-15 assault rifle in fear.

STEWART: What? I’m not sure what happened; I’m sorry, I blacked out in the middle of that and woke up with an AK in my, I dunno! Or whatever this is. I’m sure I’ll get letters about what this really is … which is plastic, is what it really is.

Stewart puts the gun away.

STEWART: But it puts us back to the more direct issue of guns.

FOX GUEST [06/29/10]: Gun control doesn’t work.

STEWART: … Or not. I keep forgetting. What else?

LAPIERRE: We have a mental health system in this country that is completely and totally collapsed.

STEWART: Okay, okay – again, 100% correct. Thank you, Wayne LaPierre, for bringing this up. We closed the mental institutions in many respects, and now, our mentally ill live on the streets or are in prison, and it is untenable. It is up to us to help them find compassionate, proactive care. This is what we have to address in our mental health system. I’m assuming that’s what you mean.

LAPIERRE: We have no national database of these lunatics.

STEWART: Or that. Or that. I was gonna say compassionate, total care of mental illness, or … “lunatic database”. Although, isn’t that what the Internet is? Isn’t that a national lunatic database? What would be the criterion for the lunatic database? What are the kinds of things you would say to get on it?

LAPIERRE [07/05/12]: Americans don’t wanna be added to that pile of dead people that have been left defenseless by the U.N. policies.

STEWART: [writing on paper] “LaPierre” with two ‘r’s or one?

Look – I don’t wanna kill the conversation before it starts. Yes, mental healthcare absolutely has to be on the table, has to be improved. But someone’s always gonna slip through the cracks, and our mental health problem leads to other problems: crime, guns, violence …

MIKE HUCKABEE [07/21/12]: Ultimately, we don’t have a crime problem, or a gun problem, or even a violence problem. What we have is a sin problem.

STEWART: [beat] Is this about me masturbating? Is that what this is about? Look, I didn’t know … that that is considered a national issue.

Look. We can dance around the issue all we want. We can blame movies, or videogames, or the mentally ill, or God – it’s a complex problem and all solutions have to be on the table, but it is time we talk about guns.

ERIC BOLLING [12/17/12]: I don’t wanna do this. I don’t wanna do this gun control discussion right now. There’s a day, a place and a time for all that […]

STEWART: It’s today. Right now. It is absolutely time to talk about gun control, and nothing is – [puts finger to ear] Wait, I’m sorry. I just heard we need to take a commercial break. Guess we’ll talk about guns when we come back. We’ll be right back.

---

STEWART: We’ve learned in our conversation about this country’s staggering number of gun-related deaths that it’s based on a surprising amount of non-gun factors: God, media, and crazy people.

GRAPHIC: God, cable news channels, and man in straightjacket

STEWART: Wow. That’s a pretty busy graphic. Can we streamline that, and yet also represent all three constituencies?

CLIP: Mike Huckabee talking on Fox News.

STEWART: There you go. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that this conversation is taking place between parties of good faith, and that all of us, on any side of the debate, are anti-massacre. If some commonsense firearms regulations might cut the number of these killings, why not try?

SHERIFF JOE ARPAIO [01/07/13]: We have many, many laws pertaining to guns already. We oughta enforce those laws.

MAN [01/07/13]: We already have laws banning murder, but we still have murders.

JESSE VENTURA [09/17/12]: Drunk driving. Do we go to the Ford Motor Company and tell them “stop making these automobiles because people get drunk and kill people in cars”?

STEWART: No, but we do enact stricter blood-alcohol limits, raise the drinking age, ramp up enforcement and penalties insurance, charge bartenders who serve drunks, and launch huge public awareness campaigns to stigmatize the dangerous behavior in question, and we do all those things because it might just help bring drunk driving down, I don’t know, by 2/3 in a few decades.

GRAPHIC: Drunk driving rates: 7.5% in 1973, 5.4% in 1986, 4.3% in 1996, 2.2% in 2007

STEWART: Like magazine sizes. Smaller magazines for guns make these crazy people have to reload more.

SEN. LINDSEY GRAHAM (R-SC) [12/23/12]: Changing a magazine, I can do that pretty quick.

STEWART: Yeah, but you’re Fast-Fingers Graham! The foremost gun enthusiast-slash-speed origami champion in the world! He made that in three seconds. How he uses his heavily callused gun hands to make such delicate paper art … why, it’s a mystery.

All right, magazine restrictions won’t help. How ’bout we keep all the guns except weapons designed purely to efficiently shred enemy soldiers?

NRA PRES. DAVID A. KEENE [12/23/12]: We’ve had a so-called assault weapons ban for ten years. […] The Justice Department, others who study it, said it made no difference.

FOX GUEST #2 [12/24/12]: The original assault weapons ban was ill-conceived and didn’t work properly.

STEWART: Well, you know what they say: If at first you don’t succeed, [fuck] it.

Again! None of these will ever be perfect! We’re not looking for some magic … flying, solving projectile. We’re looking for a series of steps for different areas that, over time, can improve the situation. As opposed to what we have now, which is legislative riders snuck into appropriations bills that prevent the ATF from inspecting gun dealers’ inventories, and bills that make it harder to put disturbed individuals on “do not buy” lists, and laws exempting gun-makers from any legal accountability for their product.

I mean – people, God forbid McDonald’s doesn’t tell you how hot their hot, steaming coffee is! That happens, and you’re taking the money train to McPunitive Damage Town. But an epidemic of gun violence? “Oh, we can’t! Our hands our tied! We can’t do anything!” We are a nation of overreacters to everything. We have, step-by-step, child-proofed this entire country. Twenty years ago, a guy threw a rock over an overpass and it hit a car windshield, and now, every overpass in the country is like a Habitrail! It’s just got a giant [?]! Football stadiums have giant nets behind the goalposts so you don’t get hit by the ball you’re supposed to be watching!

We can’t do anything about this? How about we make assault weapons available, but only at shooting ranges? Make guns less sexy so they won’t be considered so cool by young people? The next Jason Bourne movie stars Woody Allen, how ’bout that? “I’m not really a gun person. It’s not so much the killing, but the loading and the cleaning; it’s just – it’s a lotta work.” Or even better: creative sound editing to take away the “cool gun” factor.

MONTAGE: Movie shootout scenes with gunfire replaced with random amusing sound effects.

STEWART: See? Those silly sound effects completely dulled my desire to get caught in a violent and bloody three-way Mexican standoff.

And if you don’t like any of those solutions, please, we’d love to hear yours! There are no bad ideas.

REP. LOUIE GOHMERT (R-TX) [01/04/13]: I refuse to play the game of assault weapon because that’s any weapon. It’s a hammer, it’s – article came out this week; the massive number that are killed with hammers […]

STEWART: Okay, uh … if you wanna regulate … hammers, we could try that. Would it be possible also to regulate bags of hammers, or anyone as dumb as that?

But aside from hammer control – which, by the way, was a great MC Hammer album – do you have any other ideas for reducing gun violence?

LAPIERRE [12/21/12]: The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.

STEWART: So, the school principal with a gun is gonna stop a guy with an assault rifle and a bulletproof vest? You know, I don’t think Principal Belding is as badass as you think he might be.

Here’s the problem. Technology has democratized carnage. And it’s very weird to me that gun enthusiasts won’t even entertain – let me amend that: some gun enthusiasts won’t entertain the idea of commonsense law enforcement supporting small-bore, so to speak, moves to try and reign in this violence. What’s really going on, here?

REP. RICHARD HUDSON (R-NC) [01/06/13]: We have Constitutional freedom – the right to keep and bear arms in this country.

STEWART: Yeah, yeah, “for a well regulated militia”, not a personal arsenal free-for-all. There’s all sorts of stuff you can’t have already: tanks, F-16 fighter jets, surface-to-air anything. When that Constitution was written, people had muskets. So … okay, you can have all the muskets you want. You can even have assault muskets for all I care. Jazz it up with a bayonet. Go [fucking] nuts. But why is it that there is no other issue in this country, with as dire public safety consequences as this, that we are unable to make even the most basic steps towards putting together a complex plan of action to stop this epidemic’s spread? What is really going on, here?

STEVE DOOCY [01/07/13]: I think you, like a lot of people, Joshua, are worried that the federal government’s gonna come after our guns.

STEWART: Now we’re getting somewhere. So, this isn’t really about the Constitution, or efficacy of regulation, or intruder defense. It’s about how perilously close some people in this country feel they’re living to a tyrant’s rule.

MARINE CPL. JOSHUA BOSTON [01/07/13]: It’s something we’ve seen happen time and time again in history, with Stalin, happened in Cambodia, and then, of course, the Third Reich. No-one saw that coming until it was too late.

ALEX JONES [01/07/13]: Hitler took the guns! Stalin took the guns! Mao took the guns! Fidel Castro took the guns! Hugo Chavez took the guns! And I’m here to tell you: 1776 will commence again if you take our firearms!

STEWART: Holy [shit]! No-one’s taking away all the guns. But now, I get it. Now, I see what’s happening. So, this is what it is. Their paranoid fear of a possible dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present. We can’t even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality, happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant against the rise of Imaginary Hitler.

The only nits I have to pick are with Stewart’s uncritical usage of the vague and misleading “assault weapons” term (there are “assault rifles”, but virtually any item can be labeled an “assault weapon” by parties seeking to restrict their availability) and his repeated assertion that gun violence is an “epidemic” in the U.S., given that gun-related homicides and other violent crimes have been steadily decreasing for decades. It’s always important to remember that as horrible as they are, one of the reasons these mass shootings are so shocking is precisely because they’re outliers.

Nonetheless, the U.S. will never gain any foothold on the path to exorcising its gun-related demons until the Second-Amendment-fetishizing camp decides to start acting like reasonable adults and open the lines of communication.

Daily Blend: Monday, January 07, 2013

James Dobson

Most Transparent Administration In History^TM allowed to continue hiding every single detail about its drone war.

Dishonest like a Breitbart acolyte arguing against gun control.

Looks like the design & technology community also has its issues with subconscious bigotry … and knee-jerk twits who perpetuate it.
(via @pzmyers)

Focus on the Family founder James Dobson ^[pictured] laments: “Nearly everything I have stood for these past 35 years went down to defeat.” Coincidentally, my causes are only getting better!

Research indicates crime rates may be directly influenced by … leaded gasoline? First I’ve heard of this; while certain hazards increase risks of congenital defects, can they really have such a clear effect on complex adult behaviors decades later?

And finally, this is even more tragic than what’s happened to the History Channel:

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Jon Stewart hammers Fox News’s refusal to debate gun culture

The inane talking heads posing as journalists over at Fox News recently got their Second-Amendment-embroidered undies in a bunch when NBC sportscaster Bob Costas dared to break lockstep with the punditry’s complacence with the United States’s pervasive gun culture. As always, leave it to The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart to attempt to hammer home some basic common sense, not that he has much of a chance with their skulls so abnormally thick. Parts one and two:

Non-U.S. readers: Click here to learn how to enable Comedy Central videos (Firefox only)

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

JON STEWART: But recently, the sports world has suffered some tragic off-the-field incidents. The Dallas Cowboys lost a player in a drunk driving accident this past weekend; a murder-suicide involving a Kansas City Chiefs linebacker the weekend before. That led to sports commentator Bob Costas commentating on this during halftime in the Cowboys-Eagles game.

BOB COSTAS [12/06/12]: You want some actual perspective on this? Well, a bit of it comes from the Kansas City-based writer Jason Whitlock. […] From the end of his article: “Our current gun culture,” Whitlock wrote, “ensures that more and more domestic disputes will end in the ultimate tragedy.” […] “In the coming days, Jovan Belcher’s actions and their possible connection to football will be analyzed. Who knows? But here,” wrote Whitlock, “is what I believe. If Jovan Belcher didn’t possess a gun, he and Cassandra Perkins would both be alive today.”

STEWART: “And now, the marching band!”

All right, obviously, there’s a tragedy, it’s more complicated than that, and if we’re gonna start addressing issues, we can begin with gun culture, but you gotta talk about domestic abuse, mental illness, the head trauma, football, the drugs they give the guys for pain; I’m assuming Costas was leaving that to Cleatus, the Fox Robot, to take care of. But still!

What he was doing was trying to start a conversation, and … he succeeded.

LAURA INGRAHAM [12/04/12]: That belonged on NBC cable channel, I mean, you kinda expect that over there. You don’t expect that during a football game.

ERIC BOLLING [12/03/12]: It’s NFL Sunday, it’s halftime, ‘God Bless America’’s playing in the background. Do I really want Bob Costas giving me a dissertation on the Second Amendment? […] I wanna watch football!

STEWART: Really? ’Cause that’s when I go take a piss, but okay.

Yes, an NFL halftime show is no time to talk about violence in the NFL! It’s a time to watch endless slow-motion replays of that day’s hardest hits. “Zoinks! That was a great hit! Yeah, I think the guy’s brain came out of his ear-hole on that one! Suck it up like a man! Of course, he’ll never be the same again. All right, well done.”

---

JON STEWART: So, halftime isn’t the right time. Now, what about at a press conference? Like after the Aurora shootings, when the Mayor of New York called for an examination of gun laws?

KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE [07/23/12]: There were also bodies not even out of the theater, Dana, before he started to jump in this debate. Now, I think there is some level of political protocol that you need to have in a tragedy like this where you wait.

JUDGE JEANINE PIRRO [07/27/12]: Be quiet for 24 hours, at least!

STEWART: Clearly, in that situation, it’s not where it is being discussed, it’s when. I’m assuming that the venue was good; just that the mayor did not obey the commonsense waiting period we place on gun … conversations. You don’t want somebody in an emotional state just shooting off their … mouths.

But of course, it’s not just the “where” and the “when” of the conversation about guns; it’s the “who”!

GRETA VAN SUSTEREN [12/03/12]: Is this what you really wanna hear at halftime, sportscaster Bob Costas lecturing football fans – that means you – about gun control?

LAURA INGRAHAM [12/04/12]: Mr. Costas, you don’t know that much what you’re talking about, so stick to the area that you’re really smart about, which is sports. […] I wrote a book called Shut Up and Sing; this would be “Shut Up and Commentate on Sports”, because we’re not really interested in what Bob Costas thinks about guns.

STEWART: Right, but … why do you get to talk? ’Cause I – if I may, very quickly, no disrespect – I don’t much care what you have to say about anything. Yet, whenever I turn on the TV, you’re there, talking about everything. That’s the subject of my book, “Shut Up and Shut Up.”

So clearly, sports commentators, they don’t get to comment about gun violence, and singers don’t get to comment about gun violence, either, right, Fox?

FOX HOST #1 [12/03/12]: Ted Nugent issued a quote, saying, “We thought Bob Costas was smarter than that. Only fools blame tools instead of human failings.”

STEWART: How come that guy doesn’t have to shut up and sing? Or shut up and whatever it is that he does?

I’m beginning to figure out the rules, though. If you wanna talk about gun violence, gun culture, gun control, you gotta be a gun expert. You can’t just be some sportscaster or musician. And even the right person can’t talk about it if it’s too soon after a tragedy; it’s disrespectful. How long do you have to wait to say there should be more guns after a tragedy, like the shooting in Oslo?

FOX CONTRIBUTOR [07/24/11]: You have 600 people there, Geraldo –

GERALDO RIVERA: On that island.

CONTRIBUTOR: – on that island, and the security procedures that were there were noneffective. […] If you have a gun, Geraldo, you don’t have security. I have a big laugh when they ask me for a security guard, “but we don’t want them to have a gun.” If you don’t want security to have a gun, then you’re not having security.

STEWART: “That’s the thing about these Norwegians, lemme tell you somethin’. They don’t understand how much they need guns. It’s a harpoon culture. D’you understand what I’m sayin’? They shoot whales! They don’t know [?].”

That was about the mass killing in Norway, but at least they respectfully waited until … 48 hours afterwards. See, in fact, if you wanna have a conversation about our gun culture, you better make sure you’re being tasteful and respecting the victims and their families. Of course, if you’re trying not to have that conversation …

ERIC BOLLING [12/03/12]: This guy, six- – I dunno, 6’4”, 320 [lbs], he could’ve killed her with his bare hands. It wasn’t a gun that killed her, it was Jovan Belcher that killed her.

INGRAHAM [12/04/12]: I guess Costas does not think Belcher is strong enough to asphyxiate his girlfriend, or smart enough to hook up a hose into his garage and kill her through asphyxiation.

MEGYN KELLY [12/03/12]: Look at O.J. Simpson. […] He went over there with a knife, he murdered his ex-wife and her friend.

SEAN HANNITY: Was Nicole Brown killed with a gun, or was she killed with a knife?

STEWART: Yeah! Knife! Knife! Knife! Knife! Nicole Simpson was murdered with a knife! Does Costas wanna ban knives? ’Cause then, we’d have to cut steak with our guns, and that would be terrible!

Still, I think I get the rules now. I’m just trying to get the rules. You can talk about guns, just not in the immediate wake of any event involving guns. But with approximately 30 gun-related murders daily in the United States, when will it ever be the right time to talk about the issue?

CNN HOST [11/29/12]: A rare moment in New York City. Police say there were no reported slaying, stabbings, shootings or knifings during a 36-hour period from Sunday night to Tuesday morning.

STEWART: Aah, it was two weeks ago! We missed the [fucking] window! But why ruin the celebration?

“[W]hy do you get to talk? ’Cause I … don't much care about what you have to say about anything. Yet, whenever I turn on the TV, you’re there, talking about everything.” Perfect.

Stewart on Fox’s “War on Christmas” & O’Reilly’s philosophy

Last night, Jon Stewart of The Daily Show once again took Fox News to task for its ridiculous one-news-channel campaign against the mythical “War on Christmas” by those annoying iconoclastic atheists, and then rounded on Bill O’Reilly over his even-stupider-than-usual declaration that Christianity is somehow a “philosophy” rather than a religion.

(The segment does include a couple of swipes at atheists which, while presumably intended as humorous and satirical, kind of miss the point – secularists are only interested in upholding the Establishment Clause in order to promote fair and equal treatment for all. It would’ve been helpful if Stewart had acknowledged that little detail.)

Colbert tackles the “war on men”

I couldn’t possibly avoid posting Stephen Colbert’s take on that stupid Fox News column about a supposed “war on men” by Suzanne Venker (niece to anti-feminist nut Phyllis Schlafly), now could I? From last night’s Colbert Report:

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Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

STEPHEN COLBERT: Nation, there is a war on traditional marriage in this country. Did you know that many of those brides and grooms on the top of wedding cakes aren’t legally married? [to picture of wedding cake toppers] You’re frosting in sin!

Now the threat to traditional marriage is coming from inside the couple.

FOX NEWS HOST: The importance of marriage among women rose nine percentage points from 1997 from 28% to 37%. But those women aren’t finding men to marry, apparently because men are less interested, dropping from 35% to 29%.

COLBERT: Shocking! Women wanna get married more than men do! That’s from the same researchers who found that women tend to scratch their balls less than men. It’s true. Shocking.

These chilling marriage statistics mean there are millions of women who may never walk down the aisle, and that brings us to tonight’s Word: Sisters Are Doing It To Themselves.

Folks, when it comes to matters of the woman, I always turn to one source.

[“• Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.”]

COLBERT: To Fox News. Their website recently addressed why so many women can’t get married. According to Fox contributor Suzanne Venker, it’s all part of the “war on men”. She writes:

I’ve accidentally stumbled upon a subculture of men who’ve told me […] that they’re never getting married. When I ask them why, the answer is always the same. Women aren’t women anymore. [— Suzanne Venker, November 26, 2012]

COLBERT: Right, women aren’t women anymore. That right, fellas: Always look for the Adam’s apple. Okay? That’s a pro tip. Then, look for the Adam’s penis. ’Cause you know what they say: Fool me once.

[“• Twice, Actually”]

COLBERT: Now, folks, this hard truth has been attacked in the mainstream media. It evidently ruffled a lot of lady-feathers. At least, I think they have feathers. I’m not sure. A lot of them pluck these days.

[“• No Down Downtown”]

Of course, this thin-skin reaction won’t surprise Venker. In the article, she wrote that:

[…] what if the dearth of good men […] is […] women’s fault? […] since the sexual revolution […] Men haven’t changed much […] but women have changed dramatically. In a nutshell, women are angry. They’re also defensive […] [— Suzanne Venker, November 26, 2012]

COLBERT: Women are angry and defensive. You need proof? Go up to any single woman and say, “The reason you’re not married is because you’re angry and defensive.”

[“• Wear A Cup”]

COLBERT: And not only are today’s shrill harpies scaring good-quality men away from marriage, but also making these men deadbeats. Venker says that the rise of women has:

[…] pissed [men] off [and] undermined their ability to become self-sufficient in the hopes of someday supporting a family. Men want to love women not compete with them. [— Suzanne Venker, November 26, 2012]

COLBERT: Yeah! Men hate women who compete with them. That’s why it’s so rare for men to be attracted to women in the workplace.

[“• Except On Casual Sex Fridays”]

COLBERT: I mean, what man wants a woman providing the money while he stays home to do, what, witness his child taking its first steps? I’ve seen people walk before, and frankly, babies aren’t that good at it. Men want paperwork! We want a grinding commute, to sit in a cubicle all day long, taking crap from that jerkoff, Rick!

[“• Plus Cake If It’s Someone’s Birthday!”]

COLBERT: Luckily, Venker sees a way to liberate women and men from these liberated women. All the ladies have to do is:

[…] surrender to their nature – their femininity – and let men surrender to theirs. If they do, marriageable men will come out of the woodwork. [— Suzanne Venker, November 26, 2012]

COLBERT: Yes! Just surrender, and those men will come out of the woodwork like cockroaches in a darkened crab shack.

[“• Is The Cockroach Single?”]

COLBERT: Ladies, you can do more – by doing less. Maybe, stop voting, or stop talking. That’s mysterious. I mean, what’re you girls thinking?

[“• ‘Am I In Saudi Arabia?’”]

COLBERT: Follow Ms. Venker’s advice, and you single gals will finally be able to live out every woman’s wildest dream:

[“• Equal Pay?”]

COLBERT: Marrying a man who doesn’t want you to achieve anything. And as a man on behalf of women everywhere, thank you, Suzanne Venker. I trust you will lead the charge by getting out of the writing business. Clearly, it’s not in your nature.

And that’s the Word. We’ll be right back.

It’s almost curious how telling women that they’re angry and defensive seems to make them all, well, you know. It’s also amusing how these “traditional marriage” advocates are going all verklempt over a mere 6% drop in the number of men who want to get married, considering how their own numbers showed that only a third of men were supposedly interested in wedlock in the first place. I’m not seeing much of a difference, here.

(Personally, I have no desire to get married, largely to avoid the bureaucratic mess, and out of the belief that one doesn’t need a paper from the government to confirm my love for my hypothetical partner. Family history also tells me it makes the quasi-inevitable break-up far easier for all involved. But that’s just me.)

Daily Blend: Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Pat Robertson

Fundamentalist coot Pat Robertson ^[pictured] denounces gays Evolution … Young-Earth Creationism? (Don’t worry, his sanity was only temporary.)

For some reason, Irish Catholic bishops seem to think anyone else gives the slightest shit about their benighted views on morality in medicine after the death of Savita Halappanavar.
(via Pharyngula)

And finally, Morgan Freeman still has some unanswered questions:
(via Bad Astronomy)

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

Daily Blend: Saturday, November 03, 2012

Walter White

Must-read: A U.S. historian explains in cogent and fascinating detail why he won’t be voting Republican for the foreseeable future.
(via Political Irony)

MythBusters go Breaking Bad ^[pictured] next spring. I think I just died from crystal-pure glee.

And finally, the “Greatest Generation” has a message about the election ^{[NSFW language]}:

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

Enter the Rosebud Nursing Home.

TITLE: A MESSAGE FROM THE GREATEST GENERATION

MARIE (97): I was born in 1915 during World War I. My first vote was in 1940 for Franklin D. Roosevelt, and I have not missed an election since. And I want the Republican Party to know: If your voter suppression throughout this beautiful country enables Romney to oust Barack Obama, we will burn this motherfucker down.

ELDERLY HISPANIC MAN: Sí se puede. (“Yes we can.”)

DOROTHI (75): I have four generations of family on this Earth and my life has been very blessed. And if the Republicans steal this election, I’m gonna track down Mitt Romney and give him the world’s biggest cock-punch! … What’s the matter, sonny? You never heard that phrase, “cock-punch”? Haha … Right in the nut-sack.

JOHN (85): I served during World War II. I’m the last of my buddies still here. And I’ve got a message for kids, Democrats, for anyone who cares about honest elections: If you let the Republicans do this to you again, after we die, we’re gonna look down on you from Heaven and we’re gonna make a point of watching you have sex every time.

Dorothi raises her binoculars with a vindictive grin.

JOHN (CONT’D): No matter how kinky!

MARIE: Especially if we’re related.

JOHN: The best way to stop the GOP from stealing the election is to make sure it isn’t even close. Go to votersrising.org.

ALL: Sign up and [?] the vote!

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

South Dakota ad wants you to vote against the smart choice

I’m confused. This is an ad by the Republican Party of South Dakota about the “radically different visions” held by incumbent Rep. Kristi Noem (R) and candidate Matt Varilek (D). Being from the Republicans, you’d expect the ad to try and sell Noem as some well-qualified visionary while tearing at Varilek’s supposed bumbling incompetence … yet, after a careful evaluation, I can’t help but think it’s trying to encourage Noem’s supporters to defect to Varilek in droves:

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

Kristi Noem. Matt Varilek. Radically different backgrounds, radically different visions for South Dakota.

1997, Arizona: Matt Varilek gets a degree in environmental studies and starts teaching at the Biosphere II, known as an incubator for radical environmental ideas. Back in South Dakota, Kristi Noem is named Outstanding Young Farmer of the Year by the Watertown Jaycees.

1999: Matt Varilek earns a Master’s Degree at the University of Glasgow, Scotland, and is named the Greenhouse Gas Emissions Broker for Natsource, a company that profits from cap-and-trade energy taxes.

2000: Matt Varilek authors a document advocating a global cap-and-trade scheme, while Kristi Noem is managing the family farm in Hamlin County.

2001: Varilek attends Cambridge University in England to for additional environmental study. Varilek goes to Marrakesh, Morocco, promoting a global cap-and-trade plan at a United Nations global warming summit. Back in South Dakota, Kristi is living in Castlewood, farming, raising a family, helping to balance the books and manage a family restaurant.

2003: Matt Varilek is in Milan, Italy, speaking at another U.N. global warming summit. Back in South Dakota, Kristi Noem receives the South Dakota Young Leader Award from the South Dakota Soybean Association.

2004: Matt Varilek leaves his job as policy director for Natsource to become a Washington, D.C. political staffer.

2006: Matt Varilek hosts a raucous “National Corn Dog Day” party in his swanky D.C. neighborhood, serving more than one thousand corn dogs, 1,200 beers, and a 150-pound ice luge for consuming shots of Jägermeister.

2006: Kristi Noem wins a seat in the state legislature representing north-eastern South Dakota in Pierre.

Sioux Falls, 2008: Matt Varilek is back “corn-dogging” again, defending his title as one of the few to achieve a “triple double” for his beer and corn dog consumption. As for Kristi Noem in 2008, well, she was still looking out for South Dakota taxpayers and still representing her friends and neighbors in the legislature.

Matt Varilek or Kristi Noem: Radical ideas or South Dakota common sense? Who do you trust to represent South Dakota?

Paid for by the South Dakota Republican Party

To be fair, I’ve never heard of either Noem or Varilek until now. And from seeing this ad, all I’m getting from this is that one candidate is a highly educated, motivated and ambitious achiever who has experienced the outside world and knows the ins and outs of Washington politics (and can throw the occasional fun party), while the other’s experience boils down to farming and working at a restaurant. Not that those aren’t fine endeavors, but it does give rise to an odd contrast when comparing their skills and know-how in terms of their competence for governmental representation.

Of course, that’s just my interpretation as someone who values education and wisdom. One can only guess what the anti-intellectual blighters whom this ad actually appeals to will think about it, insofar as thought has anything to do with it. (Case in point: Noem currently holds a slight lead over Varilek in the polls.)

(via Friendly Atheist)

Jon Stewart vs. Bill O’Reilly: The Rumble 2012 – full video [or not]

My apologies, but after having changed the damn video about five times because YouTube keeps taking it down, I’ve given up. Just search YouTube for whatever copies are currently online; there’s usually a few before they get pulled and subsequently replaced.

I didn’t think much about The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart and Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly’s sorta-hyped “Rumble in the Air Conditioned Auditorium” debate prior to watching it, assuming it would be mostly disingenuous fluff given O’Reilly’s inclusion, but it turned out to be surprisingly entertaining. Here’s the full 1½-hour video, at least until YouTube takes it down (no transcript, sorry):

[video removed]

Personally, I think it got off to a strong start and gradually weakened as it wore on. Stewart was in top form, cutting right through O’Reilly’s disinformation with the steely wit we’re used to from his show (sans the customary bleeping). As for O’Reilly, he didn’t seem dishonest to me; I think Stewart’s right when he says O’Reilly is honest about his principles and beliefs. He’s just very much, evidently and incontrovertibly, wrong.

(Though, to be fair, I did sort of shrivel up when Stewart advocated for a one-year minimum draft for everyone, young and old, to perform some sort of public service like serve in the military. The government shouldn’t be in the business of forcing anyone to spend any amount of time doing something they don’t believe in unless they’ve incurred a debt to society, such as serving time for committing a crime. Drafting is wrong, end of story.)

Let me know in the comments if/when the video gets yanked so that I can replace it.

(via @ebertchicago (tweet deleted))

Daily Blend: Thursday, October 04, 2012

Bill Donohue

47,000 women die around the world every year from complications due to unsafe abortions. Just another data point to keep in mind for the next time you encounter a so-called “pro-lifer”.

Republican-appointed federal judge in Missouri declares that forcing employers to provide contraception coverage to their employees at no cost of their own doesn’t violate their religious liberty.

There truly is nothing that Christianist wingnuts won’t twist into a dishonest attack on LGBT people.

Chicago court decides that cops aren’t always being entirely truthful when they claim they can smell marijuana as an excuse for a drug search.
(via @BlanksSlate; RT: @radleybalko)

Bill Donohue ^[pictured] is incensed that two Hollywood magazines refuse to air his pearl-clutching indignation about a new TV show, which obviously means that “Hollywood hates Catholics”.

Catholic group: Birth control makes women unattractive and turns men gay. No, really.

If you have any story suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments or send them in.

‘The Daily Show’ dismantles the Right’s anti-Obama “bombshell”

If there’s anything that’s more predictable and satisfying than seeing the far-Right flame out over yet another failed attempt at discrediting President Obama or other prominent Leftists with “explosive” videos that invariably turn out to be complete duds, I’ve yet to experience it. Here’s Jon Stewart & co. of The Daily Show taking a rather amused look at the recently (re-)revealed video that purports to show a 2007-era then-Senator Obama (D-IL) at his class-warfare-est – when all he does is reiterate what everyone else was already saying at the time (including one then-President Bush).

Part 1:

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Part 2:

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Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

[−]

[VIDEO 1: “Oh the Spew-Hannity”]

JON STEWART: Just a short time ago, Barack Obama and Gov. Romney wrapped up their first debate – if they had their first debate. I don’t know. It was scheduled. The show was obviously taped before that debate, and who knows if they even had the debate after what happened with yesterday’s bombshell: Full-day, Drudge-con-1, blue-siren-alert, Obama race video. Hannity had the exclusive:

SEAN HANNITY (10/02/12): Tonight, you will hear from Barack Obama like you have never heard from him before. […] A video has been uncovered from a campaign event in 2007 of then-Candidate Obama. […] It contains some of the most divisive class warfare and racially charged rhetoric ever used by Barack Obama.

STEWART: “Casually tossing out words like ‘cracker’, ‘honky’, “White trash”, ‘[?]’. SPF-45-wearing-mother—!”

And even though, as it turned out, the video-in-question had been widely covered when the event occurred back in 2007, that doesn’t matter! ’Cause – I’ll let Hannity’s guest, Tucker Carlson, explain:

TUCKER CARLSON (03/02/12): People say, “This has already been reported.” Well, actually, it hasn’t been reported, and I know, because I reported on it the first time.

Beat.

STEWART: So, let’s see some of the highlights of this explosive video.

CHRIS ROCK (during comedy routine): Cracker ass cracker! I’ll put my foot in the crack of your ass, cracker-ass cracker! I wish that cracker would’ve said some [shit] to me, saltine-ased, mother[fucking] cracker!

STEWART: Obviously, that’s just Chris Rock, one of his fine comedy skits on racial relations in America. I showed that in lieu of the Obama tape, because the Obama tape is far more explosive. In it, Barack Obama discusses how the events of Hurricane Katrina and that regions entrenched poverty has a racial component and advocates for concerted effort to rebuild the area, including these grenades:

SEN. BARACK OBAMA (D-IL) (06/05/07): We don’t need to build more highways out in the suburbs if we have people in the cities right now who wanna work, but have no way to get into those jobs. […] We should be investing in minority-owned businesses in our neighborhoods so people don’t have to travel from miles away.

JON STEWART: It is a volatile point-of-view, first expressed by this notorious Black liberation theologist speaking from New Orleans in 2005:

FMR. PRES. GEORGE BUSH (09/16/05): There’s also some deep, persistent poverty in this region as well. That poverty has history in roots of racial discrimination. […] When the streets are rebuilt, there should be many new businesses, including minority-owned businesses along those streets.

STEWART: “You see, what I’m trying to say is this: We didn’t land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock, you see, won’t get landed on again. Hehehehehe.”

So, despite the fact that what Barack Obama was was saying in that speech kind of echoed the sentiments of other, more acceptable mainstream politicians of that era, and despite the fact that what Barack Obama was saying in that speech was echoed in his own speech that he gave in 2007 that actually aired live on CNN, Obama’s real crime here was not the content and the message, but the rhythm. Ooh, the rhythm. The rhythm is gonna get you.

HANNITY: You notice a change in the way he delivers this speech before a predominately African-American audience? […]

CARLSON: They speak a different language. Different cadences, different accents, different gestures. I mean, the falseness here is overwhelming. […]

HANNITY: We’ve got the accent, we’ve got anger, we’ve got ra— “They-don’t-care-as-much-about-you”.

STEWART: “We’ve got jive talk! We’ve got ‘No Justice, No Peace’! We’ve got ‘by any means necessary’! We’ve got ‘Say it out loud, I’m Black and I’m proud’! All this and more on K-Tel’s Now That’s What I Call Race-Baiting.”

By the way, if you actually do believe that a candidate speaking “Black” before Black voters disqualifies them from being president, I have unearthed a video that just might turn this entire presidential race upside-down.

MITT ROMNEY (01/21/08): What's happenin’, got some bling-bling here too, look at that. […] Who let the dogs out, who, who?

STEWART: “Who let the dogs out?” Did you know Mitt Romney was one of the original Baha Men? Not the band, he just keeps his money in Baja.

All right, here’s what’s crazy about this. If I’m not mistaken, Sean Hannity, you believe this president to be what?:

HANNITY (01/13/12): He’s the worst President we’ve had in my lifetime.

HANNITY (07/18/11): He is the worst President on record.

HANNITY (04/06/10): […] a worse President than Jimmy Carter.

HANNITY (04/06/12): This is the worst President America has ever had.

STEWART: The worst! Ever! In your lifetime! On record! Ever, ever, ever, ever! And on the eve of the first presidential debate, the best, most explosive critique that you could deliver of the worst president we have ever had in this country, is treating us to some reanimated bull[shit] video already been seen, as though it were the Rodney King tape in reverse.

---

[VIDEO 2: “The Great Black American Panel”]

STEWART: For more, we’re joined by our Great Black American Panel: Senior Black Commentator Larry Wilmore, Senior Black Correspondent Wyatt Cenac, Junior Black Correspondent Jessica Williams. Watching that Hannity piece, it’s almost unbelievable to see such naked race-baiting on television. Black people talk weird? What is that?

WYATT CENAC: It’s some bull[shit]!

JESSICA WILLIAMS: Yeah! [Fuck] Hannity! Your October Surprise is that the President is Black?

LARRY WILMORE: They are some desperate mother[fuck]ers.

STEWART: Um … What about this attempt to portray a relatively middle of the road left-of-center technocrat as some kind of angry Black radical?

CENAC: It’s some bull[shit]!

WILLIAMS: Yeah! [Fuck] Hannity!

WILMORE: They are some desperate mother[fuckers].

STEWART: Ah, that’s the same thing you said. Do you not want to talk about this?

CENAC: No, Jon, we love being part of your Great Black American Black Panel of Blacks. Black.

STEWART: Would it be better to have this discussion without the White guy moderating?

WILMORE: [all three nod their heads] No, Jon, this is your show. [points for Jon to leave] You should stay here and moderate this Black discussion.

STEWART: All right, I’ll be over here, it’s fine, I’ll read. [puts on headphones] You guys can just talk amongst yourselves. It’s fine. [starts reading Philip Roth’s ‘Portnoy’s Complaint’]

WILLIAMS: Can he hear us?

CENAC: I don’t know, let’s see. Jon, I’ve been siphoning gas from your car!

STEWART: [removes headphones; tinny music is heard] What? Did you call me?

CENAC: Nope. Not at all.

Jon puts his headphones back on and returns to his book.

WILMORE: He can’t hear.

WILLIAMS: OK. So, how do you feel? Does it make you angry?

CENAC: It’s not really angry as much as it’s depressing. I mean, this is the same dog-whistle stuff they've been pulling all the time, like, it’s, you know, ACORN and Shirley Sherrod and Common at the White House. It’s the same stuff.

WILMORE: Was he listening to ‘Fiddler on the Roof’?

WILLIAMS: You know, seriously, I cannot believe that they say [shit] like that out loud sometimes. I mean, it’s just desperate.

WILMORE: Yeah, I can. Look, when you’ve got no rational argument, okay, you have to bypass that part of the brain that processes rational arguments, right? You just stick the probe straight into the medulla, you know, the reptile brain. And you just jolt it with enough coded language and racial imagery to trigger the fear response.

WILLIAMS: By the way, is there a reason Jon can’t hear this conversation?

WILMORE: Nah … please.

CENAC: We just want more airtime. Speaking of, should we probably …?

WILMORE: Yeah, wake him up.

Wyatt throws ball of paper at Jon and accidentally misses. Jon pretends to jump in surprise and tries to keep a straight face at the mishap.

STEWART: Hey, what’s up? So, uh … [tinny music lasts a couple seconds too long before being silenced] So, thanks. You guys done rappin’ and jammin’?

WILMORE: Yes, Jon, we’re done rapping and jamming.

WILLIAMS: It’s all good.

STEWART: All right! Hey, I think it’s informative when we can discuss these things with a panel of people directly affected by them. Just wondering, how do you think your conversation will be seen by people who read the Drudge Report and watch Hannity?

CENAC: I don’t know, let’s run it through the old Drudgity Cam and see how it plays.

STEWART: Oh, right, the lens they filter all their information through. I forgot we had one of those. Can you cue that up?

Cenac, Williams & Wilmore look through ‘Drudge Report’-style frame.

CENAC: We’re in your front yard and we’re still mad about slavery!

WILMORE: Yeah, bitches! We’re gonna buy crack with the food stamps you’re payin’ fo’!

WILLIAMS: And then, we’re gonna rape your White babies!

CENAC & WILMORE: Hey, whoa!

WILLIAMS: What?

CENAC: Calm down!

WILMORE: It’s too much!

WILLIAMS: I’m sorry, this is my first Black Panel, you guys, I’m really excited.

WILMORE: It’s too much!

JESSICA WILLIAMS: It’s really nice to be here.

A general tip, folks: When the people behind a video they claim will totally shock everyone with hitherto unrevealed information about a given public figure decide the best person to make the revelation is Sean Hannity, you might wanna let up on the hype just a bit lest you end up with yet another batch of singed eyebrows.