Tuesday, August 21, 2012

How ‘The Dark Knight’ should have ended

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And I thought Christopher Nolan’s third and final Batman film was so perfect. How very and surprisingly wrong I was (oh, and spoiler alert):

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →) []

BATMAN: [to Catwoman] Hey, Miss Kyle. You wanna know my … secret identity?

CATWOMAN: Is it Bruce Wayne?

BATMAN: [flustered] How does everybody know about –?! [clears throat] I mean … maybe.

Intro: “HISHE” with Dark Knight Rises-style ice cracks in shape of Bat symbol.

BATMAN: [tricked by Catwoman into confronting Bane] You just made … a serious mistake.

BANE: Not as serious as yours, I fear.


BANE: Let’s not stand on ceremony here, Mr. Wayne.

BATMAN: Sounds good to me!

Batman blows a poison dart reading “KNIGHT KNIGHT” into Bane’s neck. Bane picks it out, surprised.

BANE: Oh, what’s this? Sleeping agents?

BATMAN: Yeah. I was gonna save it for later … then I thought … now’s good.

BANE: You’ll have to do better than – [is suddenly peppered by two dozen darts] Ooh, okay, that should do it …! [Collapses.]

Officer John Blake and another cop are talking with Commissioner James Gordon in his hospital room.

BLAKE: Bane’s hiding in the tunnels.

GORDON: Then get every cop in the city down there now! Off-duty, on-duty, I don’t care; no matter what they’re doing, gather them up and march them underground and smoke ’em out!

BLAKE: I … don’t think that’s such a good idea, sir. I mean, what if something happened? We’d have, like, zero cops left.

GORDON: Holy cow, you’re right! I think these drugs have me talking crazy. Maybe just, uh, block all the exits and send in, like, a SWAT team to smoke ’em out. Good call. Here, have some [?].

Bane & co. are forcing Lucius Fox to activate the underground fusion reactor.

FOX: Okay, I’ll just scan my hand here …

Fox touches the control panel. Immediately, it flashes red and an alarm rings out. Water crashes in behind them.

FOX: Whoops! I seem to have activated the emergency flood chambers. I suppose this will put a hiccup in whatever plans you have with stealing the reactor, wouldn’t it? I do apologize.

Bane and the others flee as the water rises.

FOX: Well, get busy swimming or get busy dying. [dives underwater]

Climax: Miranda Tate/Talia al Ghul is dying in the crashed truck.

TATE: Prepare yourselves. My father’s work is done.

Tate dies.

GORDON: Worst. Death. Ever.

BATMAN: [despite being stabbed; re: the bomb] I can get it out over the bay!

CATWOMAN: Are you crazy? You are bleeding all over the place.

BATMAN: Yeah, I’ve been stabbed. I might be bleeding out. But it’s okay, because … because I’m Batman –! [collapses]

GORDON: Well, poop. Guess this means we’re screwed.

The bomb explodes, killing them all.

Alfred Pennyworth is sitting at the restaurant terrace in Venice. He looks over, and smiles when he sees Bruce Wayne sitting at a nearby table with Selina Kyle. Bruce smiles back. Suddenly, Clark Kent leans in, waving his hand.

KENT: Hi, Alfred!

Alfred keeps smiling.

KENT: Sorry Bruce made you cry.

Superman and Batman are sitting in a restaurant.

SUPERMAN: I still can’t get over how no important Gotham characters died in that story.

BATMAN: I know. Pretty awesome.

SUPERMAN: I mean, like, nobody. Even you.

BATMAN: Even me.

SUPERMAN: You had your back broken, your heart broken, your bank account even broken. You even got stabbed, dude!


SUPERMAN: How are you still breathing right now? Never mind. [Batman inhales] I already know what you’re gonna say …

BATMAN: Because I’m Batman!

SUPERMAN: [glumly] Walked right into that one.

BATMAN: Yes, you did.

(via @jakiking)