Mr. Deity fears the Hitchslap

In which Mr. Deity realizes the foolishness of leaving cancer in his Creation as a certain demandingly recalcitrant visitor arrives at the Pearly Gates:

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

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(My apologies for not knowing who the other guy is.) Skipping over a prelude involving a needy phone call from baby-mommy Mary:

MR. DEITY: What’s all the fuss?

MAN: It’s Hitch, sir! He’s here, he’s at the Gates!

MR. DEITY: Awesome! Okay, so go get Stewart, and that princess chick, and Ironside. I dunno how long I have waited to do a live stage version of Rear Window.

MAN: Oh, oh no-no-no-no-no – not Hitchcock! Hitchens!

MR. DEITY: (horrified) Hitch? He’s here? Now? Where? Why is he here so soon?

MAN: Sir, you’re the one who had to leave cancer on the list!

MR. DEITY: (minces oath) Okay, did we call security?

MAN: Sir, I told you, it was a terrible idea to put Mother Teresa in charge of security.

MR. DEITY: Why, what did he do?

MAN: He made her cry!

MR. DEITY: Seriously?

MAN: Yes! And then he took a swing at her!

MR. DEITY: He took –? Is she okay?

MAN: Oh, yeah, no-no, she walked with a small, impoverished altar boy.

MR. DEITY: Okay. Is the little guy all right?

MAN: Yeah, he’ll be all right, assuming that the priests don’t get to him.

MR. DEITY: Well, I guess as long as she’s all right, right?

MAN: Yeah, you don’t mess with Hell’s Angel.

MR. DEITY: So, what do we do? I mean, do we just welcome him into our little celestial North Korea? I mean …

MAN: Sir? After he debated us all night long? We finally gave up this morning and offered to let him in.

MR. DEITY: And?

MAN: And then, he gave us that aggressive hand gesture – y’know, the one where you use both middle fingers – and then, he suggested you do something yourself that’s not even physically possible, even if you were attracted to yourself in that way.

MR. DEITY: Okay, so then, well – what do we do? I mean, what does he want?

MAN: Actually, he does have a list of demands. Um … okay, first up (ahem): He wants you to stop poisoning everything.

MR. DEITY: It’s not me, it’s religion! He knows that! I mean, c’mon, he’s the guy who came up with the whole “Axis of Evil” thing.

MAN: I thought that was Bush?

MR. DEITY: No, the other Axis of Evil: Judaism, Christianity, Islam …

MAN: Okay, right, right. Is that something we can do, or …?

MR. DEITY: I dunno, I mean – I can call down to poison control, but – you know what, if we can get rid of religion, you’re gonna have to figure out what to do with all the extra hats.

MAN: Oh, that’s fine, we got a great recycling program.

MR. DEITY: Okay.

MAN: Next up, uh … Heh, this one’s interesting: He actually doesn’t mind spending an eternity in Hell. He said all his friends are already there or will be soon –

MR. DEITY: Right.

MAN: But the thing is, he wants to be separated from Bush and Cheney the instant they arrive.

MR. DEITY: I can do that, absolutely. I’ll work that out with Lucy.

MAN: Okay, good, I thought so. All right, so all that leaves is: He wants an hour alone in a windowless room with each of the following people: Henry Kissinger …

MR. DEITY: Done.

MAN: The Pope.

MR. DEITY: Which one?

MAN: He actually doesn’t care.

MR. DEITY: Ooh … let’s hand over Ratzinger! ’Cause I would love to see the two of them in a room alone together, I mean …

MAN: Well, he did say “windowless”.

MR. DEITY: Please.

MAN: Ah, good point, all right. Uh … and finally, Jerry Falwell.

MR. DEITY: Aw, crap! I don’t think we can do that. Lucy’s hellbent on keeping that guy in the [catheterim?] 24/7, 365.

MAN: I forgot! All right, I will just have to go back to him and try to … talk him into accepting two out of three.

MR. DEITY: What if he doesn’t take the deal? I mean, I don’t wanna get Hitchslapped!

MAN: Didn’t you, a while back, tell me you had some sort of a backup plan for when he arrived?

MR. DEITY: I don’t remember a backup plan …

MAN: No, no, no, you had something, I know you did, it was good, uh … something to do with the Brits? Tony Blair or something? Does this ring a bell to you?

MR. DEITY: No …

MAN: You’re right, you’re right. No, it was the Irish. It was the Irish, right?

MR. DEITY: No …

MAN: The Scottish. It was the Scots. Remember something about Scots?

MR. DEITY: Oh – I think I got it. [leaves frame and returns with bottle of alcohol] Scotch!

This won’t end well.

(via Dispatches from the Culture Wars)

Tags: Mr. Deity • God • Christopher Hitchens • Heaven • Hell