|Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman|
This dates back to 2009, but I only just heard about it and it’s so beyond priceless that I just had to mention it. From the annals of damning praise, this one ranks pretty much at the very top:
Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman Loera reported head of the Sinaloa cartel in Mexico, ranked 701st on Forbes' yearly report of the wealthiest men alive, and worth an estimated $1 billion, today officially thanked United States politicians for making sure that drugs remain illegal. According to one of his closest confidants, he said, "I couldn't have gotten so stinking rich without George Bush, George Bush Jr., Ronald Reagan, even El Presidente Obama, none of them have the cajones to stand up to all the big money that wants to keep this stuff illegal. From the bottom of my heart, I want to say, Gracias amigos, I owe my whole empire to you."
I think I’m feeling empathetic pain for the new asshole every president since Nixon has just been torn. (Note that the latter doesn’t count because it would mean ripping his entire being in half.)
Even the Mexican President finds it hard to disagree:
According to sources in the Mexican government, President Calderon is begging American officials to, in the words of reggae great Peter Tosh, legalize it. "Oh yeah," said an official close to the Mexican president, "Felipe is going crazy. He's screaming at everybody who comes in, 'Why don't they make this sh*t legal already! You're killing me here!' Look, everyone knows, when you have Prohibition, you create gangsters. And the more you prohibit, the more gangsters you make. El Chapo is hero now to all those slumdogs who want to be millionaires. Kids in the street, when they play games, they all want to be El Chapo, the baddest man in the whole damn town."
“El Chapo” has since been named the “world’s most powerful drug trafficker” by the U.S. Treasury Department.
At this point, from spawning the Taliban to propping up dictators around the world, I’m starting to think the U.S. Government just enjoys continually creating its own worst enemies. Surely no-one can possibly be so wildly incompetent by accident?