Sunday, January 15, 2012

Jimmy Kimmel explains Pope’s claim that gay marriage threatens humanity

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You may have heard about Pope Benedict XVI’s claim last week that same-sex marriage undermines “the future of humanity itself”. You might also be wondering just how two dudes or dudettes shacking up together supposedly puts the very survival of humankind at risk. Well, wonder no more, as here’s Jimmy Kimmel to explain to us all:

My transcript: (click the [+/-] to expand/collapse →) []

KIMMEL: The Pope had some strong words for advocates of same-sex marriage yesterday. During his State of the World address, he reiterated his belief that marriages should be exclusively between men and women and said that policies that support same-sex marriage, quote, “threatened the future of humanity itself”. The Pope should be careful about what he says, because with that kinda talk, Clay Aiken might never put out another Christmas album, and then we all pay.

But whether you agree with the Pope or not, you’re probably wondering how hay marriage could could to the end of humanity, and it’s actually pretty simple. I’ll explain, if you like.

First off, two gay people get married, and then they buy a house, and then they decide to paint the house, let’s say, fuchsia. Okay? Now, their neighbor is furious about the new color of the house. Full of rage, he backs out of his without looking and runs over a bicyclist.

And that bicyclist happened to be the world’s foremost researcher in the fight against infectious disease. He was going to work real quick after hearing about a new superbug that’s 100% fatal and very infectious, but now he’s dead, and without him, his research team fails to isolate the virus, and as a result, everyone in the world gets infected and we all die.

And that is why we have to stop this gay marriage: so that we can stay alive!

Y’know, if the Pope is worried about the end of humanity, somebody ought to send him an episode of Jersey Shore, because I’m pretty sure it ended already.

That’s quite possibly the most coherent and plausible explanation I’ve heard so far for why LGBT folks shouldn’t be allowed to marry.

(via Joe. My. God.)