Saturday, September 17, 2011

‘Funny or Die’ spoofs Bachmann’s HPV vaccine nonsense

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I hear the world is still recovering from the shocking news that Republican presidential candidate Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) once again said something moronic, this time about vaccines, thus inducting her into the hollowed anti-vaccine hall of shame. In case you haven’t been following along, here’s everything you need to know courtesy of Funny or Die:

My transcript: (click the [+/-] to expand/collapse →) []

Hi! I’m presidential candidate Michele Bachmann. Now, I’m not a doctor-doctor or a scientist, but as a scientist, I’m concerned about Rick Perry’s one-man mission to eradicate HPV. If you didn’t know, Rick Perry, as governor of Texas, forced the HPV vaccine into the tiny, frail arms of innocent, 12-year-old girls.

Now, I have a lot of problems with this. Number one: EVERYONE KNOWS VACCINES ARE DANGEROUS! Medical professionals like Jenny McCarthy have been warning us for years.

[subdued] On my campaign trail, I met a woman whose child was made into a retard because of the HPV vaccine. Now, if a story about a woman somewhere in America isn’t proof that this vaccine is dangerous, you might wanna call a doctor, because you might be retarded.

Look, people. This is a little-known fact, but: EVERYONE has HPV! I bet you 23 million Americans have HPV coursing through their veins. You probably have it. I probably have it. And you know what? You probably have it, too. And who cares? Who cares if the HPV vaccine can prevent cancer? EVERYONE’S GONNA GET CANCER! Well, unless we find a cure. But that might be impossible, because I’m planning on cutting all cancer research funding once I become President.

So, America: When it comes to the HPV vaccine, do the right thing and let women have a choice.

[horrified look] Cut! Did I just say “choice”? Oh my gosh, who put “choice” in the script? No-no-no-no-no-no-no. [shouts around] Everyone please listen! I do not need women to have a choice when it comes to their bodies! [at camera] Is this thing on? We gotta fix this. [loudly] Are there people in there?

Them eyes … them eyes!

(via Respectful Insolence)