|“STUPIDITY: Sometimes, all you can do in response is weep like a little kid.”
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Okay, I’m officially depressed. Not only is the next leg of U2’s 360 Tour essentially scrapped due to Bono’s recent back injury (and my best wishes to him), thus rendering the promise of the Best Birthday Present Evar to moot, but then I find myself resisting the urge to weep hysterically in despair as I come across this ineffably ridiculous story about a couple who really do go well together in their combined lack of intelligence:
US military man Erick Jhonson came home from a stint in Iraq to find that his wife was pregnant. Clearly he assumed she had an affair, but his wife Jennifer claims the “other man” was actually someone a little less physical.
It seems he actually buys her story, however. “I see it as suspicious. The films in 3D are very real. With today’s technology, anything is possible,” he said.
Struggling to drag my brain away from the metaphorical seppuku knife, I will concede that this tragically idiotic man is right. It is possible that she was impregnated by a virtual porn actor (and I’d love to get the details on how that supposedly happened) as opposed to the possibility that she slept around on him and isn’t anywhere near smart enough to conjure up a credible cover story. You know, just as it’s possible that the Titanic was actually sunk by Martians with a grudge against ocean liners or something. (Hey, you can’t prove it didn’t happen! You weren’t there!)
But wait, the details make it even more interesting:
What's even more interesting is that both Jennifer and Erick are white, but the child is black. Jeniffer claims the kid looks like the black pornstar she had been ogling. She also claims this was one of the first times she's watched porn and only went with friends for the 3D effect.
Look: yes, it is indeed possible for a single-race couple to create a child of an other color. It’s all got to do with the parents’ ancestry: a White couple where one partner had a Black great-great-grandmother or whatever could possibly give birth to a Black child. Thing is, though, that as you’d expect, these cases aren’t exactly common. Actually, they’re so freaking rare that I can’t even find any real statistics or research about them at all, only hearsay. But they do happen.
Even so, however, in this case, if dear Jennifer felt the need to cobble up such a decidedly unbelievable story (meant literally), then I think the conclusion is rather clear, Erick: she cheated on you and was too cowardly to admit it and too stupid to come up with a halfway-decent lie or excuse. Which is all for the best, apparently, because dear Erick apparently can’t grasp the notion that, contrary to what his spouse may say, a porn star on a screen, especially if comprised of 1s and 0s, is unable to fuck his/her audience.