Again, do not use the Bible as a guide for morality

Especially Leviticus. This is a lesson that Dr. Laura Schlessinger, who broadcasts as “Dr. Laura” and who is an observant Orthodox Jew, would do well to understand. After asserting that homosexuality is an abomination under the rule of Leviticus 18:22^[1][2] (amongst other flagrantly intolerant proclamations), a response was written out by an unknown source that brings up the old yet reliable “well, how about this, then?” approach to Biblical morality. It’s obviously intended as sardonic in tone, and is rather entertaining.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbours. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.Exodus 35:2. Clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle- room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

Allow me to step into the loafers of Dr. Joé for a moment to answer those questions, there:

• 1) ’Cause we’re usually to drunk from partying all night long to be equitable as slaves.
• 2) Going rates depend on her build, teeth, and the frizziness of her hair.
• 3) Gauge by the violence of their reaction. A snort or a snappy “how dare you?” means she’s menstrually clean; a broken knows or cracked balls indicate that you may wanna wait a little.
• 4) Just keep burning bulls. Eventually the stench will either drive them away or kill them.
• 5) Haven’t you played GTA: San Andreas? Just rig his home with C4 and detonate remotely.
• 6) Of course not. All sin is lethal. Refer to 5) for how to proceed.
• 7) Are you blind? It clearly says don’t approach if you have a defect. God’s word is immutable, biatch.
• 8) Shove a trimmer down their throats. Or, suffocate them with their trimmings. Seriously, there’re a million ways to proceed, here.
• 9) Sure, as long as you don’t touch the outside surface of those gloves afterwards. Of course, anyone whose skin the pigskin touches need to be put to death at once.
• 10) No. Stuff this bad requires a good stoning. Or, set the rocks on fire for a little of both.

There, now you’re all set. Go, now, follow the path of righteousness.

[1] Leviticus 18:22: “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.”

[2] Actually, this reminds me of something I don’t quite get. By all interpretations, Leviticus 18:22 simply states that gay sex is abominable (it says it is the case for men, so I suppose we have to assume it means as much for gay women). But, I don’t recall any passages in the Bible, even in Leviticus, that explicitly state that homosexuality in itself is an abomination, or sin, or whatever; just the sex (referred as “sodomy”). Can someone tell me just how or why this passage against gay sex is somehow extended to mean that gayness in itself is an abomination? Or is that just implied?

(via Fark)

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