Current TV’s Fugelsang rips into Sanford and South Carolina

So, South Carolina voters revealed just where their “family values” lie yesterday when they took Mark Sanford, their disgraced adulterous former Governor, and made him their Congressional Representative instead. John Fugelsang of Current TV’s Viewpoint tears him and the state’s long, sad history of political duplicity to tiny pieces in this wonderful rant:

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →)

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Transcript via Current TV:

JOHN FUGELSANG: Here’s a message from the South Carolina Board of Tourism: From the foothills of the majestic Blue Ridge Mountains to the cobblestone streets of historic Charleston, the Palmetto State is waiting for you.

So maybe it’s time you explored South Carolina’s greatest tourism attraction: our bottomless supply of duplicitous, double-talking, political tea-bags.

From our beloved and racist senator Strom Thurmond, who fought for segregation while secretly fathering a child he had with the family’s black maid — I’m sure it was consensual — to our beloved homophobe and longtime bachelor Sen. Lindsey Graham. From politician Joe Wilson screaming “You lie!” at America’s first black president during a State of the Union address to Sen. Jim DeMint opposing the Matthew Shepard / James Byrd Hate Crimes Prevention Act before quitting his post to be a lobbyist to Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, comparing starving poor Americans to stray animals that breed too much.

In South Carolina, we’ve got a proud heritage of putting our faith in soulless fascists who feed us empty lines about the Bible, patriotism and fiscal responsibility, and that pride flies as high as the flag of the anti-American, enemy nation that rests majestically atop our state’s capitol.

And nowhere are our values more evident than in the political resurrection of former governor and newly elected congressman — and deeply repentant Christian — Mark Sanford, who South Carolina voters have returned to the House of Representatives, where he previously served three terms, in a special election tonight.

Now, lots of politicians commit adultery. But only one voted to impeach Bill Clinton while he was in Congress, then became governor and abandoned his post to visit his Argentine girlfriend using taxpayer funds to subsidize the trip while lying about his whereabouts to his staff, his wife and the entire state. Talk about a multitasker.

And after, he was charged with breaking 37 state ethics laws, was unanimously censured in lieu of being impeached, violated his court orders and child support agreement, publicly humiliated the mother of his children, and trespassed into her home to watch the Super Bowl.

Yes, this man brought sleaze to public life and remained faithful and true to it in the private sector too.

This same governor did all he could to keep federal stimulus funds from helping South Carolina’s unemployed folks and our crumbling public education system and then used taxpayer funds to pay for family vacations and book-signing travel. All this while we ranked No. 2 in unemployment and No. 11 in child homelessness.

But he did the right thing. He told us that Jesus forgave him and said mean things about Nancy Pelosi and Obamacare, proving that it’s OK to be a horrible Christian as long as you’re a good Christian.

So, come on down to South Carolina. And if you’re a lying, cheating, swindling, heartless, hypocrite, political empty suit who tells us what we want to hear, we just might elect you to office too.

And if you ever make a real mistake — like working with Democrats — well, we’ll give you a chance to mend your ways. Take Lindsey Graham, America’s sweetheart. Lindsey used to work with the Democrat Party on issues like immigration and climate change, so we censured him twice as public humiliation. And now he’s like an obedient, right-wing Tennessee Williams heroine who can’t stop screaming, “Benghazi!”

And while we may be ranked the fifth-worst state to make a living, ninth-lowest median household income, ninth-highest percentage of residents living below the poverty line, second-worst graduation rate, second-worst in women killed by men and worst in the so-called union at reprimanding bad doctors — we’ll never hold our Republicans responsible because they tell us who to blame and hate the same people we do.

Because from being the first state to quit America so we could keep slaves to cutting our state’s entire HIV/AIDS budget, we’ve got a breathtaking history of being manly men with a manly devotion to man’s inhumanity to man.

Our politicians believe Darwin was wrong, and we here in South Carolina are here to prove it.

You know when people wryly lament how “these people vote”? This is what they’re talking about.

(via Political Irony)