Today in bad Christianist analogies: Homosexuality vs. adultery

The unquestioned masters of horrible analogies are at it again: Here’s a delightfully nauseating video (in both style and substance) from Christianist group Faith2Action that tries to show why homosexuality is wrong … by comparing it to adultery:

My transcript (yes, you may feel sorry for me now):

TOM and his WIFE are seated on their couch. Both are overweight; Tom is neckbearded.^[1]

TOM: What I’m trying to say is … I have these desires, these … urges … and if I don’t act on them, I’m not really being true to myself.^[2] You love me, right?

WIFE: Of course I love you, Tom!

TOM: If you love me, you’ll support what I do, who I am! I’m … an adulterer!

Tom turns towards his MISTRESS, seated aside him and with whom he’s holding hands. (Not sure how his wife didn’t notice her.) Mistress is even more overweight and is clad in a glitzy purple top and necklace(s?), heavy makeup and sports a gaudy hairstyle.^[3]

TOM: Wow, that felt so good to say out loud!

MISTRESS: I am so proud of you for finally coming out!^[4]

TOM: [to wife] Well? Aren’t you proud of me?

WIFE: I, um …

TOM: Huh, I’m feeling a bit judged, here! Aren’t we, honey?^[5]

MISTRESS: Yeah!

WIFE: Tom! What about your wedding vows?

TOM: I thought you’d say that. [snaps fingers at Mistress] Sweetheart?

MISTRESS: [pulls out rainbow-lettered sign] Here, just read this.

WIFE: “If you love me? Then love adultery!”?^[6] Tom, so you’re saying if I love you, then I have to love your adultery?

TOM: Now you’re gettin’ it! It’s who I am.

MISTRESS: It’s about being tolerant.

TOM: But it’s more than just tolerance. I wanna be celebrated!^[7] [to Mistress] Show ’em, sweetie. Tommy, c’mere, son.

Mistress pulls out another sign. TOMMY, a young boy, appears.

MISTRESS: [handing Tommy the sign] This is for you: “Kids 4 adultery. Way 2 go Dad!”^[8]

TOM: Carry it in the adultery pride parade!

WIFE: Wait a minute. You’re taking our son to the adultery pride parade?

TOM: Not just him. I want you to support me as well.^[9] [to Mistress] Dollface?

Mistress brings out yet another sign.

MISTRESS: This is what we want you to carry: “Cheat on me! I’m pro-adultery!”^[10]

TOM: Oh, I’ve also signed you up for [?unintelligible acronym?] – Spouses, Friends and Parents of Adulterers Group.^[11]

Just because you love
love someone
doesn't mean
you endorse
everything they do.^[12]

Love People.
Defend Marriage.^[13]

F2A.org

PETER LaBARBERA: For a parent, how you show real love – you don’t embrace the child’s behavior, whatever it is. […] That would be like […] a friend coming to me with a drinking problem and me saying, “Gosh, you know, I love you so much, I’m gonna give you a bottle of scotch every month. It’s on me. Because that’s how much I care.” That’s not real love. You don’t love the behavior to show love to the person.^[14]

TOM: [from outside front door] Are you coming? I really need to be affirmed right now!^[15]

WIFE: [on couch, writing on back of “Cheat on me!” sign] Yes, just a minute, dear!

She turns the sign around to reveal: “MY HUSBAND EVEN CHEATS ON HIS TAXES”^[16]

It feels clichéd and overdone at this point to declare that I don’t even know where to start, considering how cramming as much patently false and blatantly dishonest bullshit into everything they do is just standard Christian-conservative fare, so from the top:

1. Fatties and neckbearded manboys! Guess the caricaturizations couldn’t begin soon enough.

2. Yeah, because being born attracted to people of the same sex/gender and wanting to renounce your loyalty to your sexual partner is totes the same deal. (Note: I’m not referring to people who are unfortunately battling with unwanted or conflicting desires, who deserve compassion, or those who consensually engage in outside relations, such as in open relationships, but those who deliberately go behind their partner’s back knowing that it’s a betrayal of their trust.)

3. Ha ha, get it? She’s a SLUT! (Though, maybe they could’ve demonized her better if they gave her horns, but just barely.)

4. Comparing the often-protracted and difficult experience that is revealing your inherent sexuality to your close ones without knowing whether they’ll accept or reject you (or worse) to admitting you just wanna screw around on your supposedly beloved partner … yeah, again, that’s just totes the same.

5. Except that no-one who comes out as gay demands acceptance. They would like not to be persecuted for it, though. And again, comparing people’s disapproval of a sexual attraction you can’t control with people’s disapproval of your choice to betray your partner’s trust are so ridiculously different they might as well belong in separate parallel universes.

6. Um, that’s not how wedding vows work, dude. You can’t just force your spouse to ignore them or agree to an entirely new set (that only benefits you) out of the blue. If you want to throw them out the window, at least be up front about it.

7. It’s only natural that these people would think pride parades are about “celebrating” homosexuality as if it were an accomplishment, given how spectacularly ignorant they are about everything else.

8. What is it with these bigots and dragging children into their smear campaigns at every turn? (For the record, I’m just as opposed to pro-gay activists using kids as props in their own campaigns; they just don’t do it anywhere near as frequently as homophobes do. Transparent attempts at emotional manipulation over evidence-based argumentation FTW.)

9. Wow, this guy really has no qualms about coercing his wife into doing things she clearly doesn’t want to do, does he?

10. Oh, for crying out loud. Do these morons really think that advocates for LGBT marriage equality somehow want to force heterosexuals to gay-marry? No wonder they’re so terrified of gays and lesbians – they don’t understand the first damn thing about them.

11. Again with the trickery. I’m not sure if they’re actively trying to promote the idea that LGBT folk are this manipulative, or if they just can’t help but let their own sleaziness shine through.

12. Indeed, endorsing adultery (as opposed to consensual polyamory or open relationships) is wrong. Now, if only the same were true of homosexuality, the homophobes might actually have a point.

13. One day, I would really, truly love for one of these “defend marriage against teh gheys!” busybodies to even try to explain exactly how or why allowing LGBT folk to marry the ones they love, rather than forcing them into strictly heteronormative unions with people they are intrinsically unable to love or desire sexually, would have any deleterious impact whatsoever on anyone else’s marriage or society at large. Hell, I’d pay to see that debate. And then set up seats and stock up on pop-corn (or Doritos), ’cause judging from their stumbling, bumbling ineptitude thus far, that shit would be hilarious.

14. Really, they’re going with Porno Pete from Americans for Lies Truth About Homosexuality? And notice the typical bankruptcy of his argument, which depends entirely on a false conflation of a hardwired neurobiological trait with a lifestyle choice that actively causes harm to oneself and others.

15. Wow, I’ve never seen anyone so simultaneously needy and pushy about it.

16. And we close with a demonstration of Christianist pettiness. Seems only fitting.

And those are just the particularly blatant ones that caught my eye. Feel free to list any others in the comments.

You know, I’d say that these anti-gay Christianists obviously don’t get it, but then, not only is pointing out that which is already obvious is just redundant, if these homophobes were actually able to “get it”, they’d stop being homophobes in the first place. So I guess mocking the clueless bigots will suffice for now.

(via Friendly Atheist)