Saturday, June 23, 2012

Joe the Plumber is not very bright – or honest [updated]

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Samuel “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher
Joe the Plumber

I haven’t written much about (not-)Joe the (not-)Plumber, if only because my tolerance for brainless inanity is still recovering from the few times I’ve spent chronicling Sarah Palin’s babbling. But he’s growing harder to ignore lately, particularly as he’s ramping up his loopy bid for U.S. Congress in order to let voters at large know what kind of representative he’d be.

It turns out, predictably, a Kafkaesque one. Firstly, here’s his latest campaign ad, wherein he blames the Holocaust and the Armenian genocide on gun control:

Transcript: (click the [+/-] to open/close →) []

Joe the Plumber loads his shotgun.

JOE THE PLUMBER (v.o.): In 1911, Turkey established gun control. From 1915 to 1917, 1.5 million Armenians, unable to defend themselves, were exterminated.

Joe pumps his shotgun and starts shooting fruit.

JOE (v.o.): In 1939, Germany established gun control. From 1939 to 1945, six million Jews and seven million others, unable to defend themselves, were exterminated.

Joe stops shooting and turns towards the camera.

JOE: I love America.

Because the only reason why all those Armenian and Jewish civilians were slaughtered in the first place is because the government took away their rights to own enough guns to take on entire armed forces … or something. I mean, it’s obvious, innit? (Well, I’m sure something is. No idea what, though.)

Better yet, as people began voicing their discontent with the assertion that Hitler would’ve been totally stumped of only German Jews had access to some Mausers, Joe’s spokesman tried to calm the storm, assuring everyone that “Joe is a student of history” who was simply conveying the Founding Fathers’ ideals about the people having the power to defend themselves against a tyrannical government … and that some Jewish gun nuts agree with him, anyway, and that gun control was also responsible for slavery in the U.S.:

“There’s an entire organization called ‘Jews For The Preservation of Firearm Ownership‘ who put forward the argument for years that gun control was a contributing factor to the Holocaust.”


In addition to the Armenian genocide and the Holocaust, Mr. Christofanelli also said gun control may have contributed the enslavement of African Americans. “Well, blacks weren’t allowed to own guns in the south, that’s a historical fact as well,” said Mr. [Phil] Christofanelli.

They must have one hell of an excavator to be able to dig themselves into that many holes that quickly.

But they aren’t done yet. See, Sam/Joe wants everyone to know that he actually wasn’t talking about the Holocaust at all:

Instead, he blamed the media for unfairly spinning the story.

"All I said was gun control was implemented, and then governments proceeded to violate human rights," Mr. Wurzelbacher said. "Nowhere did I mention the Holocaust or was I even talking about it."

Of course! He was just referring to some other six million Jews (and seven million others) who were slaughtered in Nazi Germany. You know, as opposed to those other thirteen-plus million genocide victims that everyone mistakenly assumed he was alluding to. It’s our mistake, really, especially because of that unfairly biased lamestream media.

Would it change anything if it were pointed out that Joe is also a God-botting goober who thinks science is wrong because it keeps being revised, whereas the Bible is a perfect guide for how to “live a great life” because it never changes?

Yeah … didn’t think so. He sure does make a great candidate for Congress, though.

UPDATE (06/23/12 12:18 AM ET) —

Be sure to read Gene’s comment, below. Gotta love a good ol’ historical perspective on things.