Tuesday, March 27, 2012

‘The Conservative Teen’: Wingnuttia for sheltered young’uns [updated]

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It can be so difficult for neoconservative parents to raise good little Right-minded children. There’re liberals and gays and godless socialist-commie-Marxists at every turn, and conservative cable news is, like, just totally lame, dude. What the Right needs is a way to reach out to those impressionable youths and teach ’em good, old-fashioned traditional values, like hating Obama, laughing at poor people and understanding why giving women control over their own bodies makes baby Jesus cry.

Well, look no further. From the same people who brought you such bastions of truth, morality and teen-inspiring coolness as the Family Research Council and the Heritage Foundation, I present to you: The Conservative Teen!

‘The Conservative Teen’ cover (winter 2011 issue)

Because what teenager doesn’t just crave reading about economics and why they totally shouldn’t stick their screwdrivers wherever they like? And as if you weren’t already hooked, Dangerous Minds has the scoop on some more spellbinding content found within:

In the pages of The Conservative Teen, you can read about the bizzaro world of teen abstinence that really works, how to draw Obama, and how the government creates poverty by giving money to a bunch of undeserving lazy poor people just so they can eat food! It’s true!

And did you know that Ronald Reagan was our first black president? I’ll bet you thought it was Bill Clinton! Silly hippies…


Here’s another gem, as pointed out by the newly revved up Wonkette:

[Article: ‘Is There Something Wrong With Sex?’]

“The vast majority of people will have sex at some time in their lives”?!?!

No one who reads this publication will need to worry much about that...

Indeed not. After all, nothing will put those Rightist teenage minds off the rumpy-pumpy like having a bunch of old pearl-clutchers lecture them about the evils of sex and the homos and big-government liberalism, no sirree! And what better way to attract more young blood to the conservative movement than by nagging them about not gettin’ it on?

This is gonna work out great.

‘The Conservative Teen’ domain now reads “UNDER CONSTRUCTION”
[full size (515×370)]

UPDATE: 03/28/12 1:14 PM ET —

They really can’t take criticism, can they? Barely a day since mockery started (from both Left and Right), the magazine has been yanked.

It’s almost as if that rag were indefensibly ridiculous or something.

(via Joe. My. God.)