Sunday, September 04, 2011

Texas judge hilariously tears into incompetent lawyer (yet again)

| »
Sam Sparks (District Judge, Western District of Texas, Austin Division)
Judge Sam Sparks

Texas District Judge Sam Sparks is on a roll. Last month, he slammed a couple of lawmakers when they tried to interfere in a lawsuit brought on by abortion rights groups against Texas’s new “24-hour sonogram” law, which the lawmakers, themselves, had passed. Not to be daunted, the same legislators tried a second and even a third time to inject their politics into the court proceedings, at which point Judge Sparks lost his patience and ridiculed them and their incompetent lawyer in what was probably the most brilliantly snarky court declaration in recent history.

Well, Judge Sparks apparently thought that this wasn’t enough and now focuses on the humanitarian task of educating the aforementioned hapless lawyer in the basics of law:

My transcript: (click the [+/-] to expand/collapse →) []


BE IT REMEMBERED on this day the Court reviewed the files in the above-styled clauses, and now enters the following opinion and orders.

Non-parties Lance Langford, Erik Hoover, and Brigham Oil & Gas, L.P. invite the Court to quash subpoenas issued to them on behalf of Jonathan L. Woods, in relation to a matter currently pending in the United States District Court for the Western District of Louisiana, Lafayette-Opelousas Division, because the subpoenas were not properly served, are overly broad and unduly burdensome, and seek privileged information. In response, the Court issues the following invitation of its own:

Greetings and Salutations!

You are invited to a kindergarten party on THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2011, at 10:00 a.m. in Courtroom 2 of the United States Courthouse, 200 W. Eighth Street, Austin, Texas.

The party will feature many exciting and informative lessons, including:

  • How to telephone and communicate with a lawyer
  • How to enter into reasonable agreements about deposition dates
  • How to limit depositions to reasonable subject matter
  • Why it is neither cute nor clever to attempt to quash a subpoena for technical failures of service when notice is reasonably given; and
  • An advanced seminar on not wasting the time of a busy federal judge and his staff because you are unable to practice law at the level of a first year law student.
  • Invitation to this exclusive event is not RSVP. Please remember to bring a sack lunch! The United States Marshals have beds if necessary, so you may wish to bring a toothbrush in case the party runs late.


    IT IS ORDERED that defense counsel Jonathan L. Woods, and movants’ attorney Travis Barton, shall appear in Courtroom 2 of the United States Courthouse, 200 W. Eighth Street, Austin, Texas, on THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2011, at 10:00 a.m., for a memorable and exciting event;

    IT IS FINALLY ORDERED that Mr. Barton is responsible for notifying Mr. Woods of this order by providing him with a copy by mail or fax on this date.

    SIGNED this the [26th] day of August 2011.


I’m really starting to rather like this judge.

UPDATE: Just as I post this, it comes to my attention that Judge Sparks has since cancelled the “kindergarten party” as the “movants” have finally settled. Too bad.

(via Dispatches from the Culture Wars)