Patton Oswalt does the Bible and gay marriage

There’s a reason I hold an unyielding love for comedians: No-one in the whole wide world is better at cutting right through the bullshit and exposing the core of any given argument than someone who makes it their life’s work to poke fun at the idiosyncrasies of modern society. (For example, a comedian would probably take the mickey out of me for that pointlessly contrived introductory sentence. And for using the Englishism “taking the mickey” just now. Wow, I suck.)

Anyway, here’s the legendarily trenchant Patton Oswalt hilariously tackling Bible-thumpers’ opposition to same-sex marriage from his new album, Finest Hour:

My transcript: (click the [+/-] to expand/collapse →)

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Y’know, people that are against gay marriage – if they just openly said, ‘I’m against gay marriage because thinking about two men having butt-sex, or two women having scissor-sex, kills my boner, dries up my vagina; I can’t have sex, it ruins my life – that’s why I’m against it.’ That would be a valid argument! We’d have to actually debate you on that! But these lunatics always go, ‘Well, ’cause it says in the Bible.’ Oookay, stop, hang on.

I’m glad you like a book. I really am. At this point, I’m glad anybody’s reading anything! And I’m not even putting – the Bible is terrific. Give it a read. It’s got monsters, and adventures, and hey, if you like torture porn, check out the Old Testament. Oh, man. Any Saw fans out there? Whooo! Get the Old Testament.

But just because you like something in a book doesn’t mean you can have the thing you like in the book happen in real life! That’s what crazy people want! I can’t go to the White House with a bunch of Green Lantern comics and go, ‘I want a Green Lantern ring! I saw it in a book I like! Make the thing in the book I like be here, now!’ I would be justifiably tased if I did that. Nobody would go, ‘Hey, we have to respect his beliefs. You know, you gotta respect everybody’s beliefs.’

No, you don’t. That’s what gets us in trouble. Look, you have to acknowledge everyone’s beliefs, and then, you have to reserve the right to go, ‘That is fucking stupid. Are you kidding me? That’s great, but I’m not gonna respect it.’ I have an uncle who believes he saw Sasquatch. We do not believe him, nor do we respect him.

I’ve got to get my hands (or cursor) on that album.

(via Friendly Atheist)

Edit: 09/29/11 3:59 AM – Fixed a typo in the transcript.

Tags: Patton Oswalt • same-sex marriage • comedy • Finest Hour • Bible