Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Victorian cure for Hysteria

| »

Oh, those prudish Victorians and their sex-toy-inventing ways. Here’s the trailer for the upcoming Hysteria (perfectly SFW):

My transcript: (click the [+/-] to expand/collapse →) []

[abbreviated to key excerpts for the sake of, well, brevity]


Tell me, what do you know of hysteria?

DOCTOR 2: [awkwardly] Nothing.


[Title card: IT Is The DUTY Of Every DOCTOR]

DR. 1: [rubbing woman patient] Good, steady pressure, that’s the key.

[Title card: TO GIVE His Patients RELIEF]


DR. 2: I have been offered a position by London’s leading specialist in women’s medicine.


WOMAN: It must be difficult pleasuring half the women in the city.

DR. 2: Pleasure has nothing to do with it, I assure you.

WOMAN: I suppose that depends on whether you’re over the table or under.



DR. 2: I must find some way to attend to these women properly.

DR. 1: I believe the French have quite a bit of luck using their tongues.

DR. 2: No – No.


DR. 2: [playing with electrical rotating feather-duster] My God. It’s all warm and tingly.

[Electric generator explodes]

DR. 1: Now, who should we try it on?

DR. 1: We are not going to take a dangerous electrical device and press it against a lady’s most gentle areas.

[They try it nonetheless on a woman; she jumps in surprise]

DR. 2: [jumpy] Are you hurt?

WOMAN: No, not yet.

[DR. 2 continues to pleasure her, making her moan and squeal in pleasure to crescendoing music]

WOMAN: [afterwards] What do you call that little thing?

DR. 2: Well, I was calling it the feather-duster.

WOMAN: I think it’s something quick, so the girl knows what to ask for.

[Title card: ALL It Took Was A Little ELECTRICITY]

WOMAN: There’s a social revolution afoot!


[trying the device on a woman in front of a small audience]

DR. 2: Everything all right, Mrs. [?]?

[MRS. [?] gives an opera-like wail]

DR. 2: What about … the Squealer?

[Title card: Hugh Dancy, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jonathan Pryce, Felicity Jones & Rupert Everett]

WOMAN: You have invented a machine that does harm to no-one and makes anyone who comes into contact with it feel better.

[Title card: HYSTERIA]

DR. 2: Do you think it’ll catch on?

DR. 1: I have no idea, but imagine if everyone had one.

That’s one use for a feather-duster that I daresay I never would’ve thought of on my own.

I now feel compelled to watch this film whenever I get the chance. For educational purposes, obviously.

(via Pharyngula)