Hilarious outrage over DADT repeal at Free Republic

I love it when this happens

So, I trust I don’t need to inform you about that little, quasi-insignificant LGBT rights victory we’ve gotten today, do I? It’s easy enough for you to figure it out; for one thing, the media is buzzing with it, bloggers everywhere are cramping at the fingers writing about it, pro-LGBT activists are having victory banquets all over the United States, and best of all, the night is filled with the sounds of social conservatives’ heads exploding like an excited puppy stumbling upon a bubble wrap factory. It’s truly schadenfreudelicious, and makes for fabulous blogging material.

For good measure, here’s a tasty sampling from one of the numerous hives of conservative bile-spewing, the Free Republic comments section:

Join the Army - test positive for AIDS/HIV - draw 100% disability for the rest of your miserable life.

If you don’t believe me check the VA regulations.

Yeah, because who doesn’t dream of being jobless, stuck with a cap of $41,000 a year with no prospect of advancement, and battling AIDS for the rest of your gradually deteriorating existence? Not to mention how this strategy (if one can even call it that, dumbass as it is) isn’t even affected in any way by the existence or repeal of DADT. Any hypothetical idiotic sleazeball could still do that whether they were homosexual or not.

So which is it? Did they end the ban or did they repeal DADT?

Um … you do know those are the same thing, right? DADT is the US Military’s gay ban. Which was just repealed. Which means ‘ended’. Ergo, the gay ban was ended. Logic isn’t that hard, honey. Try to keep up.

(Unless, of course, he meant in the sense of “the repeal was approved but the ban hasn’t yet been officially lifted”, but that’s no more than a technical matter, now.)

It’s called orientation for a reason. It’s under your control.

First, you’re a dumbass. Second, it’s called that because there’s apparently no better way to phrase “the physiological attribute that determines whichever gender you’re sexually attracted to”.

Prepare for a reactivation of the Selective Service System.The Only way the military is going to meet its manpower needs is with a Draft.That was Probably the plan all along.

The Obama administration’s top goal (according to a knuckle-dragging Rightist): Ending a 17-year-long ban on homosexuals in the US armed forces to force bigoted troops to pull out, thus draining the ranks enough to require a federally enforced policy of forced recruitment, something that wouldn’t have been needed if the gay ban hadn’t been removed in the first place.

Dude, even if that was even within the same realm as realistic – and the recent report on the effects of repealing DADT clearly indicates that not nearly enough servicepeople would be intolerant and dishonorable enough to actually want to leave the forces just because some of their comrades suddenly gained the right to stop hiding their sexual orientation – it would still be the stupidest, most illogical and pointless fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

Well, the Military just had too many dedicated, senior NCO’s, you know, the ones who are going to retire now. We’ll be much better off with a bunch of Marine Gunnery Sergeants wearing skirts leading the attacks on the National Republican headquarters.

Well, you’re just a model of class, aren’t you. And if some troops actually do leave over this, trust me, the military will be better off without ’em fighting in representation of the US.

This will effectively decimate the U.S. Military. Honorable men will not want to live with sodomites who view them as easily-accessible prey.

Gay people: They’re gonna rape you!

In anticipation of the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, in 2007, the Pentagon prepared a list of new or reinterpreted nomenclature and practices familiar to many older veterans. The gay EM who supplied Wikileaks sent us a copy just before his arrest. Some of the more interesting items are below.

All marching commands ending in “March” will now end in either “MINCE” or “SWISH,” at the option of the individual issuing the command;

The command “Right dress right,” will be replaced with “Right strapless evening gown, allrighty;”

Due to the distinct possibility that it may be misinterpreted, the command “To the Rear March” will be replaced with “OK, Fellas, Turn Around;”

Marching cadences employing “Jodie” will now replace that archaic appellation with the more metro-sexually appropriate “Brucie:”

The humorous but now out-dated phrase “Drop your c**ks and grab your socks” is to be replaced with “Drop your c**ks and grab the fella’s over there;”

A “Junk on the bunk” inspection will now allow a soldier’s “junk” to actually be displayed on his bunk;

If it will not interfere with “his” duties, a “Latrine Queen” may wear a pair of high heel pumps if they are OD in color;

The rank of “Private” will be replaced with “Newby.”

For those still smoking, as it could lead to serious unit cohesion break-down, the phrase “Field strip that butt” will no longer be used.

As we did deeper into the documents we were provided, we will add other changes.

PS: A bonus INVESTMENT TIP: Buy shares in firms that manufacture SOAP-ON-A-ROPE!

Congratulations, that’s the lamest attempt at humor I’ve seen in a while. I almost feel sorry for posting it for my readers to groan at.

Make no mistake, this was a vote that codified, and etched in stone, the now unstoppable American decline. America is finished.

Gay people fighting and dying for their country: WE’RE DOOOOOOMED!!!11!

I'm not so worried about gays hitting on the straight guys - there probably won't be more than a handful of gays who actually will serve - but there will now have to endless sessions of "diversity" and "sensitivity" training, and the few gays who do enter the service will spend all their time creating incidents. I've seen it all happen in corporate America in the last 15 years, and now it's going to happen in the armed forces.

[…]

And one more thing, the main recruiting ground for the armed forces has been conservative families. Red State conservatives have been the backbone of the service. At one stroke, that is undercut. A lot of conservatives will now discourage their children from serving. And in exchange for what? A handful of gay mascots? We really can't afford that.

Two little newsflashes for you, honeybuns. (I call you that in a perfectly non-gay, heterosexual way. I wouldn’t want your buns, anyway.) First of all, there’s a heck of a lot more than “a handful” of homosexual people who are already serving within your (purportedly) beloved military. You could even give an estimate of several tens of thousands, and it would probably be lower than the true number. (And if the military isn’t holding “diversity” and “sensitivity” classes for the people of various ethnicities and religious beliefs who’re already serving, why would they waste their time doing so because of the non-revelation that gays are also serving and have been ever since the US Military’s inception?)

And secondly, the US Military has existed for much, much longer than the last 17 years since the implementation of DADT. There were plenty of gay people serving then, too. And yet, I don’t recall the American forces suffering from understaffing or lack of readiness/cohesion during the two World Wars and the numerous others fought before 1993. Seriously, gay people have always been in your military, and it’s never been adversely affected because of it. Get a grip.

It is unlikely that the new Congress will be able to re-institute DADT anytime soon. So, in the spirit of helpfulness, I have some amendments I would like to see Congress pass.

1. All males who have openly declared themselves to be homosexuals shall report for HIV screening each year on the anniversary date of enlistment. Failure to report shall result in a reduction of one rank and 50% of pay for each month the member fails to report.

2. All females who have openly declared themselves to be lesbians shall report for psychological counseling each year on the anniversary date of enlistment. Failure to report shall result in a reduction of one rank and 50% of pay for each month the member fails to report.

3. Any enlisted member who receives unwanted sexual advances from another enlisted member of the same sex who has openly declared themself to be homosexual or lesbian shall have the absolute right to file a complaint directly to the senior enlisted member of the command. If there is a true finding of the unwanted sexual advance, the person found guilty shall receive a bad conduct discharge and loss of benefits. Failure to adequately investigate allegations of unwanted same sex advances shall result in a reduction of one rank and pay reduction of 50% for one year to the senior enlisted member who is responsible for conducting the investigation.

4. Any officer who receives unwanted sexual advances from another officer who has openly declared themself to be either gay or lesbian shall have the absolute right to file a complaint directly to the senior officer of the command. If there is a true finding of the unwanted sexual advance, the person found guilty shall receive a bad conduct discharge and loss of benefits. Failure to adequately investigate unwanted same sex advances shall result in reduction of one rank and 50% reduction in pay for one year for the officer who is responsible for conducting the investigation.

5. Anyone who retaliates against a service member who files a same sex complaint shall be punished by courts martial.

The libs just love sexual harassment complaints. Let's see if they love THESE types of complaints.

It’s loads of waffle like this that make me thankful we don’t live in a world where necrocerebreal twits like this one are in control. (At least, for the most part.) Firstly, sure, let’s shame and harass gay servicepeople! That’s gonna improve military effectiveness and unit cohesion, making them feel so second-rate that they’re automatically assumed to be physically or psychologically ill from the very moment they join up! My, you Rightists sure do know your HR.

And also, the military already allows soldiers to file complaints if they feel harassed or otherwise inconvenienced by their comrades. That’s nothing new.

I always suspected that Lieberman is a queer.

Ha! Ha ha! A stupid gay joke! Oh, my, the wit! Hilarious!

Make them wear a pink beret.

Another stupid gay joke! Stop, I can’t breathe from all this laughing!

My prayer is the Tea Party will grow ever stronger to the point that there are enough conservatives in the House and Senate to re-institute DADT, or something even stronger. The sooner the better, and make it RETROACTIVE. This is so disgusting.

Because your answer to the repeal of DADT, which was spawned by increasing public pressure in support of LGBT rights and against the close-minded bigotry of the kinds of people who put the gay ban in place to begin with, is to hope for those same close-minded bigots to yell even louder, thus logically causing the pro-LGBT side to ramp up in response, thus further squashing your side of close-minded bigots.

… Makes sense. I guess. Somehow.

The traitors come out each day and name themselves.

Keep track. Find out if they’re in your neighborhoods...

Aaand we’ve arrived at that good ol’ hardline conservative tradition of implicit threats to violence against people who do things you don’t agree with. My, how far we’ve come.

I want an on going study of violence and attacks on straights. I want to know the number of sex acts in the open. I want this stopped.

Gay people: THEY GONNA RAPE YOU … (Presumably after they rape all those Taliban they fight against, I take it?)

Just keep your mouth shut about your sexual leanings.

That was all that was asked of them.

But that wasn’t enough. They want to be able to broadcast to the whole world about their perversions.
And yes, I do think it is a perversion.

Actually, no. DADT required that gay troops do a lot more than just keep quiet about their sexual orientation (though that would still be wrong, just as it would be to demand the same of straight people). It made it so that they had to make absolutely sure that no-one could ever know, in any way, for any reason, that they were gay. Or their careers would instantly be shitcanned. As in, the very second that anyone else so much as sees a marriage certificate, or overhears a private conversation about their private lives, or anything of the sort at all, they’d be thrown out. As has happened. About 13,000 times.

So, we no longer need separate barracks for males and females, if I am following their logic. Women should be allowed to train and sleep with males. If you think about it, sexual situations no longer can be used as a way of housing. They just opened a big can of sh_t.

The only shit, here, is that stuff mucking up your attempt at reasoning. The gay ban repeal means just that: that gay servicepeople can now stop hiding their homosexuality. Nothing else changes. At all. Seriously, do these people even think about anything other than their own delusions?

Have we hit bottom yet?

Of this comments page, yes. Where’s that “Next” button …

I predict that in the near future, to reject or rebuff the “advances” of a queer same-sex “comrade in arms,” whether male or female, will be prosecuted as a hate crime!

I predict that you won’t make much of a living in fortune-telling, dearie.

President Obama will veto any attempt in the unlikely chance we get a new DADT through the sodomite sympathizers in the senate.

There’s that fabled Rightist classiness again …

My father is so upset at the direction we are heading, it is not just this but in general, he said that if he were drafted, he "would not defend the country" and either just go to jail or Canada.

Don’t worry, the rest of the US armed forces don’t want such a bigoted and cowardly traitor serving alongside them, either.

It’s now 2:51 AM. I’ve just spent – *looks at watch* – just under two hours typing this up. Odd, how one’s sense of masochism only increases with the lateness of the hour …

I might have to do this more often.

(via @todayspolitics)