Double-Fail Quote of the Day: Thiessen and commie soccer

Mark Thiessen

My brain has just been mortally irradiated by the thermonuclear stupid that is Marc Thiessen. (Don’t ask how I’m still alive and cognizant.) In trying to explain just how Americans should hate that filthy “soccer” commie sport [my emphasis]:

The world is crazy for soccer, but most Americans don’t give a hoot about the sport. Why? Many years ago, my former White House colleague Bill McGurn pointed out to me the real reason soccer hasn’t caught on in the good old U.S.A. It’s simple, really: Soccer is a socialist sport.

Think about it. Soccer is the only sport in the world where you cannot use the one tool that distinguishes man from beast: opposable thumbs. “No hands” is a rule only a European statist could love. (In fact, with the web of high taxes and regulations that tie the hands of European entrepreneurs, “no hands” kind of describes their economic theories as well.)

Soccer is also the only sport in the world that has “hooligans”—proletarian mobs that trash private property whenever their team loses.

I think I’m crying, now. Or those could be liquefied brains. Dunno. Don’t care. I’m mourning, here.

(And as for the rioting mobs: Yeah, well, here in North America, our zealots stampede and vandalize whenever their teams either win OR lose. We’re obviously so much better.)

(via Dispatches From the Culture Wars)