People you really wanna punch in the face

There are all people whom you’d like to smack around a bit (or, for some, knock their heads off with a shovel). Cracked.com has the list of the top 7 inventors you’ve probably never even heard of, yet whose legacy makes you squirm, seethe and grow more and more prone to kicking your dog and kitty each day. Some examples …

#7. Mitch Bainwol, Head of the RIAA

The Man

Mitch Bainwol is the current CEO of the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). Christ, do we even need to finish this entry? You've probably heard all you need to hear.

The Crime

The following scenario is brought to you by Mitch Bainwol:

After receiving an email from that unofficial Miley Cyrus fanclub message board that you're way too old to be signed up for, you find out that her new album has leaked to the Internet a month early. You can barely sit still as you joyfully count the seconds away to torrent download completion and pure unadulterated teen-pop magic. A few days later, you get another email that goes something like this:

Dear Anonymous Internet User,
Please give us $3,000 for that Miley Cyrus album you downloaded or we will end your shit.
XOXOXO,
The RIAA

[…]

#5.Ronald A. Katz, Inventor of the Automated Call Center

The Man

Ronald A. Katz is an innovator in the field of automated call center technology. That sentence alone should be hint enough that he's worthy of a shot to the grill, but we'll go on. His inventions are varied, ranging from moderately useful (toll free numbers, computer telephone integration units) to mostly ineffective (voice recognition systems).

But he also invented something else, something so nefarious that, if he happened to be in the room while you were using it, you'd very likely throttle his windpipe without so much as a second thought about the possible consequences.

The Crime

Do these words sound familiar to you?

"Hello, you've reached the Asshole Company That Doesn't Give a Shit About You customer helpline. For assistance in paying bills, press one; to receive product information, press two; if you have a problem with our product, press three; if none of these options apply, press four and your call will be disconnected leaving you to aimlessly wander around our website in a desperate last ditch effort to resolve your issue..."

By the looks of the blood rushing to your ears, we're guessing you've already been acquainted with automated customer service representatives.

[…]

#4. Alvin Eicoff, Inventor of the Infomercial

The Man

In the field of advertising, Alvin Eicoff is a legend. In fact, he's so much of a legend that he was elected to the Direct Marketing Association (yes, that really exists). Hell, it was his idea to use toll free phone numbers for television orders. Without this dude, that Snuggie you bought would have included long distance charges. Why would you possibly want to punch this guy in the face?

The Crime

Along with the 800-number thing, Alvin Eicoff also came up with Direct Response Television. What's that, we just pretended you asked? Think "Billy Mays."

Yes, Direct Response Television is that heinous method of product pitching that centers around beating the same message into the bleary eyed customer's subconscious until the only words remaining in their vocabulary are "call now." The products are mostly useless, they pressurize you with time bound offers and the actors pretend to wet themselves with excitement over an orange peeler.

And you fall for that shit because, yeah, now that they mention it some 75 times in 30 seconds, maybe they're right. You do need a carrot juicer! And while you're on the horn, you might as well pick up an Awesome Auger and a pair of scissors that will cut through a penny. That deal only lasts for 10 minutes!

Every time Billy Mays worked himself into a cocaine fueled lather and screamed at you about the miracle of Magic Putty, he was doing Alvin Eicoff's dirty work. Eicoff later compounded this already dastardly deed by demanding that every ad must end with the words "or your money back." If it hadn't taken you 78 days to get around to using that Showtime Rotisserie that came with the 30 day money back guarantee, you'd maybe be able to thank him for that. But it did, so you can't. Also, he's totally dead. That's what you get for not acting now!

#1. Gary Thuerk, Inventor of Spam Emails

The Man

Gary Thuerk has had Internet access since most of the people reading this were just swimmers in their fathers' hairy sack. We'll give you a second to meditate on that, kids. Cool, moving on. Back in 1973, when the Internet was still called Arpanet, Thuerk was working as the marketing manager for the creatively named Digital Equipment Corporation and was looking for a fast and easy way to let people know about his company's products.

What he came up with would have repercussions that last to this very day. Repercussions that, if they are to be believed, will increase your penis size by 500 percent and allow you to refinance your home in a way that will actually end up making you money.

The Crime

Thuerk's idea for promoting his product was to send an unsolicited email to some 600 Arpanet users. That's right, Gary Thuerk is the dickface who first thought up the concept of spam email.

If you're thinking 600 is a small number compared to spammers today, keep in mind that this was in 1973, and there were only a total of about several thousand users of Arpanet at the time.

When the email users checked their inboxes, the foreign looking message with a cc list longer than Sarah Jessica Parker's face was a strange and unusual sight. Some, ignorant of the trend of Viagra messages the notification would spark, found it interesting. Others cursed Thuerk when their computer crashed. The Defense Communication Agency was furious and forbid Thuerk from ever sending unsolicited mails again.

But the seeds of a national menace had been formed. Today, a managed email security firm based in New York says spam now makes up more than 80 percent of all email being sent around the world.

These days, Thuerk says people have one of three reactions when they meet him: some are excited to meet someone with such an unusual claim to fame; some avoid him like the plague; and others, us for example, just want to deliver a fist of fury to his piehole. Can you blame us?

Actually, seeing as A) my Hotmail spam filters are set on the highest level and B) I’m not an idiot who gives his eMail address to any site, window or twit that asks for it, I’m (un)lucky if I get one piece of spam eMail per week. Usually not. Yeah, seethe with jealousy, readers. =)

There are a few more people whom you’d like to knock their teeth out, so be sure to check out the complete list. Lots of hatin’ to go around.

(via Fark.com)
Technorati tags: Cracked.com · inventors · RIAA · spam · infomercials · automated call centers